Calculated Candy Coated Misery? Check.
I was just thinking...I was something else a few months ago. I am looking at myself and thinking, "Damn."
Our first counsellor was the same way. "It would be detrimental for them to lose a third parent, and you have to consider their feelings." It pissed DH off. He held back when he met with the psychotherapist who implied it was going to cause our children to hate him. He considered our daughter's feelings when he continued to allow Si to be around them despite not trusting her. He has never told our daughter that she could not see Si. She has simply not asked and not even acknowledged her for it to happen. Someone asked if it was possible that either of us or any of our friends/relatives had said anything about Si in front of her that would have left a bad impression? I know I have not, and the people closest to her have never said anything. She is a parakeet and repeats everything she hears, so they know better. She is impressionable, so we do not argue in front of her or even within earshot of her.
It has not been discussed in great detail, yet. She wanted to bring our daughter in and ask a few simple questions to see if she could get to the root of the issue(s). We have a session this afternoon, and she will be there with us. I do know that she was upset about the first weekend here, when I was not there for the family day and spent the day with Si. Our therapist did not believe that is where it started, but it is where her acknowledgement of Si ended. She did ask me if it was possible that my daughter felt what DH was feeling in her own way? It is possible. I cannot dismiss it because there is no doubt her feelings were hurt when Si faded in to obscurity a few months ago. She may not have gotten completely over that. This was someone she trusted to never hurt/disappoint her, and she did that. Many times over in that span of time. It ended with her thinking there was something wrong with her. Just as she was thinking I liked Si more than her when I chose spending time with Si over time with the family a few weeks ago. As resilient as we want to believe children are, sometimes that is not the case.
I have my own theories. I do fear that I pushed Si back in to her life too soon after everything that transpired because I wanted Si back in my life. I never stopped to consider her feelings, but he did. I forgave her and pushed my child to do the same. When she asked DH if she could see Si, it was only because I virtually talked her in to it before I left for my best friend's wedding in April. Why would she not listen to me? I am her mother and of course, I would never do anything to hurt her. Mother supposedly knows best, right? Hmmph. I knew I was going to forgive her before we even made it to Bali. I also knew just what to tell DH. I omitted the parts where the calls went unanswered, texts were ignored, and she bailed on ballet recitals. Oh, I did not tell him that because I knew he would not be okay with seeing her. Every move I made was calculated. I do not believe she would have asked under normal circumstances. One could say she did it as a favour to me and to help my "case" with DH. I used my child to accomplish what was needed; the empathy card from DH. He was not going to listen to me, but I knew he would hear her out. That behaviour was very self-serving and highly inappropriate. She had a right to work out her own feelings surrounding the situation, voice them, and take some time away from Si. I see what DH means when he says I put Si and her feelings before our children and even him. So could this be a delayed emotional reaction and rebellion of sorts? Absolutely. Is she within her right? Yes, because if someone had hurt me or made me feel like something was wrong with me, I would not have expected my mum to push me to be around that person. All I can do now is respect her feelings and keep my feelings and opinions out of it.