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Old 07-25-2013, 06:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
The problem is that now that she has a new boyfriend, she doesn't want me anymore.
Quote:
I will do anything she wants.
Except give her space and time for a while? And give you space and time for a while to change what you want to change about yourself?

I see that you hurt. I'm sorry. And I know it takes time to arrive at full acceptance -- that someone you want to be with badly no longer wants to be with you like this.

Maybe you crave the reassurance that it will all be ok in the end. So that would make it easier to get through THIS chunk now knowing that.
But nobody can give you that. You get through this first and THEN see if the outcome is that you remain together because the implemented changes were good.

I see that you are lonely and fearful.

But... there's things to do here. First up is finding a home for you and son. No matter what ultimately happens with the marriage you need to live somewhere once out of military.

Could focus on that for now. You are in a trial separation time. Be separate. Try it on. Make the plans with the therapist so that your wants, needs, and limits are ok either way -- you are willing to try a healthy separation.

You could ask your therapist to help you navigate the next steps and make a plan. If you feel overwhelmed and can't organize thoughts right now, remember you have a therapist to aid you.
  • If we come to find we can be together after this time, then plan A.
  • If we come to find we need to split after this time, then plan B.
  • If we come to find we need more time to think, then plan C.

Then you just get through this time (what is it you agreed on? 3 mos? 6 mos? A year?) and assess at the end of the trial separation where it is at -- A, B, or C.

The loathe part.... Could you clarify this please:
  • She's willing / not willing to try this separation out in a healthy for BOTH of you way.
  • You are willing / not willing to try this separation in a healthy for BOTH of you way.

Because for it to work? You both have to be on the same page there -- both of you willing to try this on in a healthy for BOTH of you way because you both hope to build a healthier future relationship with each other.

Could you also clarify how you know she loathes you? What did she say to you VERBATIM? And how/where/when was this said?

"I loathe you" is VERY different than "I loathe it when you do ___ behavior. Please stop doing that."

Are you saying you are behaving appropriately toward her in the separation time and honoring your separation agreements?

And she's answering back with pent up hostile and couching it in destructive terms about your character? Rather than behavior done/not done?

What it is here? Please clarify that portion.

You can apologize and ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends.

But if she chooses to grant you forgiveness, and opportunity to make amends? That doesn't mean you become her endless whipping post. That is not healthy for you, nor for the new future relationship you both hope to build together. She might feel whatever she feels, but if she's going into "Ha! Payback time!" mode, that's keeping it in the stuck. Not moving it forward.

If the shared goal is to heal and get back together -- then you both could lay out the healthy for BOTH of you boundaries for the trial separation time and BOTH honor them. Not just one partner.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-25-2013 at 07:51 PM.
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