My advice-focus on self improvement, not on "doing whatever she wants".
My bf has struggled with that over the years (20 years now). He is LEAST attractive to me when he is in "I love you SO MUCH I would do ANYTHING for you" desperate mode. It's exhausting and childish.
On the other hand, when he looks at himself and says "damn, I need to work on that" and puts his mind to self improvement-then I am entranced by him.
So stop flinging yourself desperately at her. She does love someone else. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But-you have some shit to deal with and it's going to take time. IF your wife and you are a good match when that work has been done and you have gotten yourself put together in a healthy place-then you can work on "us" then. But for now-that shouldn't be the priority.
"Love As Thou Wilt"