Westvan, I am in total agreement about what you're saying. The way I put it is, the only people who have a say about any relationship are the ones who are in it. My own personal boundary is that no metamour will dictate the terms of my relationships with anyone. Who the fuck do they think they are if they try? Grrr.
Those who are not involved with you, should NOT think they can dictate any terms about how YOU are, what YOU ask for, what YOU should expect, or what YOUR goals are, etc., in YOUR relationships. It doesn't matter if they are your metamours, the only things that should impact you about their involvement with your SO would be issues relating to time management.
I would gently let her know that if she continues to try and tell you AND HIM how to run your relationships, you won't be talking to her anymore. That shit should be stopped immediately!
Edit: I just read your second post, and re-read your first one, and I have to say that she is treading on dangerous ground if she is telling your partner terms for his relationship with you. She should only be asking for what she needs out of her relationship with him, not telling him what he can, cannot, should, or should not give to you. I would also have a serious talk with him and let him know that her attempts to dictate these things to him are undermining how you two relate, and you would appreciate it if he not allow her to interfere in that way! If you have a hard time telling him or her these things, then maybe they should come here and read this thread.
Last edited by nycindie; 07-25-2013 at 04:07 PM.