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Old 07-25-2013, 07:30 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Wow, now I'm really happy I wrote about this - such great responses! Thanks a lot fuchka, wildflowers and nycindie!

The more I think about it, the more I think nycindie might be right. It's true that I haven't gotten complaints about this and I might just take my friend's problems to myself too much. When I re-read what I wrote, I do want to clarify something. I trust my partners, as much as I can trust people. It's not that they don't deserve my trust. I just don't trust anyone 100%, not even myself. I mean, anything can happen anytime and I might lose it and do something I now think I could never do. And so can anybody else as well. So in that sense I don't trust anyone or anything 100%. I'm still not totally convinced if that's a good life attitude though. Maybe it keeps me reserved in a way that I wouldn't need to be.

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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Do you not need them by choice, or just because that's the way you are? I tend to see wanting, not needing, as being indicative of strength and self-sufficiency, but not necessarily as a sign of having erected defenses or being cynical.
I'd say it's a bit of both. I've always been very independent. I moved out of my mum's house when I was 16 (nothing dramatic there - I just wanted to and my mum thought I was mature enough, and I proved I was). It is a trait that I think is a big part of who I am, but to be honest, it's also a trait I like about myself, so that makes me want to strenghten it even more. So sometimes I do make decisions based on the fact that I want to enforce my independence. But when do I know if I've gone too far with it?

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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Re your friend's experience, couldn't there be other ways than need of making a partner feel important?
Yes, I'm sure there are other ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
You could make analogies to other things. A shelter, for example. You could pack a tent, and know how to move quickly, not relying too much on the same piece of ground. Or you can take a risk and lay down foundations, and see what can be supported by that... As long as you are flexible enough to roll with things, if what you've built tumbles.
This is a good analogy about relying on someone/something. I guess I fear that if I lay down foundations, I don't know how to roll with things if my building tumbles. I know this isn't entirely true though, since my life with JJ was pretty interwoven and I still got through it when we broke up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I reckon you can be interdependent by choice, which is different from being dependant or co-dependant because you're unable to go it alone.

I like the power of choosing to rely on someone, and to be relied upon. I'm not sure if it's better, necessarily, than loose affiliations with lower expectations. But it does change the nature of what you can grow from that relationship.
I wouldn't say my relationships are loose affiliations with lower expectations. At least all of them, they are a bit different in that aspect. But that is what I'm thinking about now, how different can a relationship be if your lives are more intertwined and you actually have to rely on someone to get through something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Yes, it's a risk but it doesn't have to be a huge risk (esp if you have the experience and confidence in being self-reliant, if need be.) Voluntary interdependence can be simply just another experiment. What happens if we assume this will last for the indefinite future? What happens if we just state, declare, concede, that breaking up is not an option? (Although we know, we know, it always is. And things can always change).
This is an interesting thought. I don't know if I want to think that breaking up is not an option. It makes me feel trapped. I want to stay in a relationship because I want to stay in it, not because I have to. But who knows, maybe a day will come when I'll try that and see how it feels.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
To "need" someone could mean:
- I seriously can't cope without you around. Without you in my life I will go insane. No one but you can hold me up. etc or
- You are irreplaceable. I need you in my life to grow and live the way I'm doing. I want you around, and I need my connection with you to enable and unlock me the way that you do, in the way that I desire. Without you, my life would be much different, and in many aspects poorer. etc

The first would freak me out. But the second works for me, in some of my relationships, and I think it's safe enough to try at home Good luck!
The first one does sound creepy. I wouldn't want that. The second one.. still sounds quite needy, even though much better than the first. I guess I do have a problem admitting that I'm needy at times. I want people to be with me because they want to and not because I need them to. But maybe it wouldn't be too bad sometimes admitting that you need someone. I'll have to think about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
I think Fuchka's examples have more to do with a level of commitment/expectations than want/need per se. They're still questions that seem worth thinking about, but I think your life could be very interwoven with someone elses and you could still not be emotionally needy.
Yes, I half-agree with you on this. I think it was sort of a mixture of both things. But they were very good points and things worth thinking about definitely.
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Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Yvonne
Exes that I might talk about: Zooey, Ray, Sol, Evan, JJ

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