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Old 07-24-2013, 12:48 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422

Originally Posted by RedPepper
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here. Could you say a bit more please?

I am hoping I am not being an idiot, and failing to pick up on subtleties, as usually people get frustrated whenever I attempt to explain my words, I often have trouble doing so coherently.

What I was trying to say is:

I believe it's not wise to make such a distinction between polyamory and monogamy in regards to how you are going to live your life so that you will feel fulfilled and content. Unless of course your main relationship issues are centered around sex. If they are not, then thinking that being monogamous will solve your problems will only serve to confuse you

you may become so confused that it severely affects your life, to the point you may seek treatment like you would for a medical illness. If you do seek treatment, keep in mind there is nothing better than a good psychologist, however not everybody is good at what the do for a living, especially mechanics, doctors, and those in the industry of psychiatry.

So if you need clinical help, make sure you find services from someone who is good at what they do for a living.

I don't know you, so please make sure if what I am saying doesn't apply to you or seem like it would help that you dismiss my opinion because you should remember that nobody can be a better guide than yourself, so long as you aren't confused or otherwise not understanding yourself or the world due to believing lies. I would be suspicious of those who do not promote your finding clarity about yourself, and who you are and how you feel shouldn't depend on whether or not you relationship is with one or more person, sexually speaking, because what is more important is that you are only with people sexually that you are capable of being sexual with in healthy ways

healthy both emotionally and physically

If you know that you desire to feel important or in any way special, it isn't going to be healthy for you to have relationships with people who demand you feel average, or nothing special.

Unless you know that you can only be happy in a sexually monogamous relationship, I think it won't be wise to look to monogamy to find what you are looking for to be in a fulfilling relationship(s) Unless sex is without a doubt the only problem you are having in your relationships, I don't see the point or reason that being monogamous would help you find clarity, as sex is the main difference between monogamy and polyamory

the mono and poly prefixes describe the sexual aspect of relationships, and if it really meant love, and not sex, then all monogamous relationships are fundamentally abusive (unless of course that is what they truly desire) because if the prefixes did describe love and not sex, that is essentially demanding that your partners have no close friends that they care about, that your SO have only casual friendships that they must not give a shit a shit about because they are not allowed to be anything more than acquaintances.

Which does not describe healthy mono or poly relationships for the majority of people -- regardless of the difference being either love or sex -- not when most of US desire close friendships with others besides our significant others, and not when a person does not find sex with others fulfilling unless they are more than casual interactions, but not everyone requires the same type of relationships in regards to love and sex.

My previous comment was labeled as "Either that or certain poly families/communities" I was saying that the problem could be the poly community you are active in, as if it was a source of your problems, it wouldn't be the first community that people have distanced themselves from because the community was not conducive to what constitutes healthy relationships for them. Because not all poly communities embrace all ways to practice polyamory or non-monogamy perhaps your community is imposing their polyamorous beliefs on you and what constitutes a fulfilling relationships for you is not the style that has been decided as acceptable for the group.

Which would be the case if you need to be important to the people you are in relationships with, you won't ever feel satisfied in a relationship with people who subscribe to the belief that people who think they are important need to be humiliated into believing they are not, or ignored to the point where they believe they are not,

And that is in no way required in order to be poly and happy, and I believe that anybody who tries to tell you that feeling unimportant is a requirement that they are the ones who are confused, and possibly buying into that mentality is why you are confused.

I don't know anybody that has time for more than two relationships that do not have any overlap, in full disclosure, I don't know anybody who has time for two completely separate primary relationships unless they are satisfied with only having their partner around two or three days of the week. Which probably describes a majority of people who proclaim themselves to be polyamorists. And that is fine, however making it a requirement has nothing to do with polyamory, if it's a requirement it is the only because the club is maximum-of-three-day-a-week-polyamory community.

And by responses here, which is the only thing I have to go off of to get an idea of your life, if your community is more than just poly, if it is a cannot-believe-you-are-important-polyamory community, and you are not happy when you are made to feel less than, your problem isn't polyamory, it's the community you are active in.

It is more likely that you do not have similar enough beliefs on what constitutes respect towards others

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-24-2013 at 01:11 PM. Reason: typo
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