Thread: Sex?
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Old 02-04-2010, 04:22 PM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 44

Originally Posted by Kraven View Post
But what happens when your partner (or in this case, potential partner) concludes that our "special bond" (you know that thing that just you and her do that no one else can do, that thing that makes her feel loved and like a special lady in your life and helps her control her jealousy during trying times) is that only you and her can have sex?
I don't want to get into the linguistic or philosophical debates going on here, or to have to guard every word to avoid generalizations. I'm just speaking practically from my own experience to the OP. I'm assuming the real issue is that the OP hooked up with someone who isn't poly....

First of all, it's really obvious that no one should tell anyone they aren't good enough. Not if they want a relationship with that person. I'm going to assume that you might want to approach this person who cares about you with a bit more respect than that.

Didn't you tell her before you had sex that you weren't monogamous? Some people will be able to guard their attachment level if they know the deal going in, but if the sex is that good, lots of people will equate that with love, soul-mate, completion, etc. Don't we know that the oxytocin and vasopressin released lead us to feel that way? The hormones coupled with social conditioning convinces many people of this, at least temporarily. In that sense, it's not really her fault, even if she did know going in. But, I think, there are some practical ways to help her get over this, if you and she want to work something out. If nothing else, a little distance (PLEASE be upfront about giving her some, don't just withhold contact or disappear) and a chance for her to feel attracted to someone else helps "break the spell." If she thought maybe she'd be ok with poly but now she's not so sure, well, imo, it's a lot easier to be poly if you start on the other side. If she gets to experience some of that freedom, she may be able to better understand why you would want to.

Please don't respond, guys, with the whole monogamous by nature debate. This is just some practical advice from my own experience being new to poly and recognizing this feeling.
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