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Old 07-24-2013, 03:34 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
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Default Settle down, kids, and I'll tell you a story...

So, back when I was separated/newly divorced and still house hunting, M1 was still living across the country. P would fly out for a week or so to see her, but the LDR thing was tough on them, and she was talking about moving out to live with him at some point.

I was still dealing with the loss of one relationship, the start of a new one, figuring out where I stood within the new one, and then wondered well, if she's going to be living with him, then that automatically makes me "second." Lots of back-and-forth and up-and-down, lots of talks over skype among the three of us, and lots of reassurances that, no, that isn't the case. She came out for a visit around that time and assured me that it wouldn't happen until six months away at the EARLIEST, and she didn't have any date in mind. Basically, "Don't worry about it." So I stopped thinking about it.

In a few months, I found my house and began the process of closing. Told everyone... super excited and all that, so they were both happy for me.

Then M1 got laid off from her job and suddenly had no reason to stay where she was anymore. Decided she would move in with P two weeks after I closed on the house.

I got a bit tweaked with the timing... felt like she was moving only because I was moving out of my ex's house and was able to spend more time with P. Like she was coming out to claim her territory. P tried to be the optimist by saying that well, it's really what's best, so I get used to the dynamic right away, and don't feel like my time with him is getting taken away, yadda yadda. I felt patronized instead - like I was being told, "C'mon, it's good for you!"

It got worse when the damn shower fell apart and needed to be redone... a week before he was to fly out there to drive her and her stuff cross-country.

The story's pretty funny now... P, standing on the tub, leaning on the wall, cleaning out the fan/light and trying to figure out why the fan doesn't work. Opens the fan up, and a small wookie falls out, startling him. He jumps back a bit, then goes, "What the fuck was THAT?"

Me: "Fuzz."
P: "No, not THAT!" He gets down off the tub, turns around, and points at the wall. "THAT!"

The tile gave way, leaving a butt-shaped hole is in the soggy drywall.

Me: "Aw, fuck. Well. Let's see what the drywall looks like."

Pulled away some tile and soggy drywall to find mold.
Total ripout now at this point. A week before he has to leave.

Needless to say, I didn't have a working shower, and really didn't have much of a working tub while he was away. I did some of the tiling while he was gone, but got so intensely frustrated when the damn tub spout didn't fit on right, I broke down in tears and resented M1 with the fiery heat of a thousand suns. How DARE he leave me alone when I need his help? How DARE she plan her move when she KNOWS I need his help!

Oh yeah. I was a hot mess.

Other things that added to the emotional stew:
- M1's car shit the bed en route. They were driving back without all cylinders and didn't want to stop for fear of never starting again.
- P's phone got sporadic service and dropped *some* messages, leaving me with terse texts that just got me thinking he wasn't EVER planning to come back.
- When we finally were able to talk more, I asked when he'd be back next. His response - I don't know when the other truck is coming and I can't leave M1 in the lurch. (I saw red at that one: I'm sorry, I'm already IN the lurch, TYVM...)
- The commitment I got re. when he'd be back was wishy-washy. Not good when I'm a quality time person and I was looking for some sort of reassurance that he would actually be back, and we'd be starting some sort of schedule for when we could spend time together.

The perfect storm? Oh yeah.
Let's see... botched communication, un-discussed expectations, crappy service to boot, bad timing... And we were still novices at it all. I'm surprised we made it through some of the things we did.

Of course, when they got back, we did work out a schedule where he began to split his time between the two homes. We did get the shower/tub fixed. We did talk the hell out of it all (culminating in a hell of a discussion among the three of us where I admitted a hell of a lot of resentment toward M1 regarding the timing of the move), and we all moved forward.

Experience is a hell of a teacher, but wow is she a bitch sometimes.

Lessons learned?
- If something's not sitting right, don't take "Don't worry about it" as an answer. Corollary: I also don't do well with "I don't know - let's see how it goes." But that's another story.
- P is not a planner. His "I don't know" doesn't mean "I don't want to deal with it." It means "I don't know and can't focus on it/picture it right now."
- I projected WAY too much malice onto M1 and resented the hell out of her for it. I'd also held some earlier resentment toward her for "turning P poly", which was misplaced as well. Talking it over in a respectful environment, even if it's a shitty subject, helps. We got it out, got the hurt feelings out of the way, and moved on.

So... we didn't start off in the best manner, but we all worked pretty damn hard to get through it, and we're still here (and pretty content, to be honest). I do tend to be the "emotional troublemaker" of the group, but I also want to work through things without taking away from the others... as do P and M1. I'm pretty lucky in that regard... Nice to see the progress as my knee-jerk reaction with mold-land was short lived and fairly unremarkable.

Okay, time for bed, kids... brush your teeth, floss, wash up, and use soap this time!
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, 2 kids (DanceGirl & PokéGirl), 2 cats, 1 house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly, divorced, 2 kids.
Xena, Curls: Two of Chops' other partners. In a triad together.
Choplet: Chops' son
Noa, CheeseGirl: Other folks in Chops' life, varying relationship levels

External blog || Local blog

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-24-2013 at 02:33 PM.
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