Originally Posted by Flear
yes it's easier to push away the source of the pain, ... but isn't the source of every pain we go through our own insecurities ??? ... how do you push that away and think "this is going to help me cope in life"
Many people do it. Many people don't like to cope with pain. I like to challenge myself, but damn, was the beginning of my relationship hard on me (and all of us). I can see where it'd be easier to give up, or, if you've been with the person and the relationship is opening up, easier to say, "I can't do this. Either you stop, or it's over." If you hurt enough, you may not be interested in getting through it to better cope with life later, instead choosing to avoid the trigger altogether (which, honestly, is still a valid response).
Originally Posted by Flear
i may point my fingers for a bit, then i realize "wait, hold on a sec. i'm either causing the issues, or i'm not doing something that is the cause of the issues", then i've gotta apologize and do what's needed ... change what i'm doing.
often this is easy as i when i realize what i was or wasn't doing that was getting to me i then also know exactly what i should or should not be doing to make everything better.
I do get where you're coming from. Here's the analogy that popped into my head as I was driving home:
I go out for a run and my knee hurts.
The novice will find it easy to think, "People told me this was bad for my knees. My knees hurt. They were right. I shouldn't run. I was crazy to even do this." The novice may even have gone out and done everything wrong the first time, and actually caused their own injury through their lack of knowledge. But they don't know that they don't know. You know?
Now, from my personal experience (not dissing anyone with knee problems here), I know that I need the weight-bearing exercise to strengthen my knees. Going for a gentle run and moderating my stride, level of effort, etc. when I come back to running after an absence will get me through that initial discomfort.
But I have friends who run and help me through it. I have personal experience as well. And I've experienced the benefits of running and know that the work I put in will pay off.
The novice is flying blind. And, once hurt, they may not have any reason to want to continue, given what they know (very little) or have been taught ("it's bad").
Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).
Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk