I was feeling very disconnected from MrBrown for a couple of days. I realized that some of that comes from the fact that I am experiencing some sort of withdrawal from the C drama. Even though things weren't a lot of fun recently, we communicated so much, that with that connection gone, my life has become much more quiet. I know MrBrown is not going to fill that void, but subconsciously, I want him to.
This weekend I received an email invitation for a party he and his GF are throwing end of the summer. Its some sort of combined birthday party, but the invite has a picture of the two of them, a beautiful pic of them in a loving embrace, and it's very clear that it is THEIR party. My very first reaction was joy about being invited, and then I started to freak out, what would my position at this party be, was I 'just' a guest like all others, while I feel myself to be his partner as well? I could not get myself to the place where I could be grateful for being invited, I was so stuck in the place where I worried about going and feeling awkward and not being seen (my major issue with C - and a major trigger for most of my anxiety issues).
I tried to connect with him but he wasn't online much, did not repsond to messages, and panic set in.
But last night he contacted me and we had our first Skype date (it was actually my first Skype date ever!) and it was great. We talked about the party, my issues with it, and I was open , and he was listening, and reassured me, and I felt so much better.
We ended a couple of hours talk with some nice webcam sex (another first) and I never knew that could be so much fun! I'm still glowing from it, and feel like we had a 'real' date.
I must be careful to not let my sadness over the break up spill over into causing abandonment issues in my other relationships. The ones I have are pretty amazing, and I want to enjoy them and be grateful for them.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf