Well I guess it had to come back and bite me. Maybe I was too optimistic last week. This week is definitely not off to a very good start.
I had a date with BGuy last night, and while the talks were great and the sex was amazing, I still left feeling a little sad. I think because I realized that this is what it is and it's never going to be anything else, and while I don't want anything else with him, I DO want that other thing with someone. Being part of each others lives, sharing details. I had or thought I had it with C in the beginning, and while I am feeling good about the decision I made, knowing I could never have it with him the way I wanted to.... I am so very sad today.
It makes me think is it impossible? Do I want something impossible? And that's a very depressing thought.
Had a phone conversation with MrBrown who says I should just feel the emptiness and that it isn't worse than I how felt the last months with C.. which is true, but doesn't help with the fear that this ideal of mine is unattainable.
Where I felt open and free last week, I know feel closed off and hurt. But maybe this is what it should be, it did seem strange to me that I felt so little grief after loving someone for 18 months.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf
There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen