I've called her Grotto's "flame", but she's more ethereal, more potent than that. In times past, he's been tragically open-heart over her, often reeling from her hot and cold flashes, wanting her to have some solidity towards him, needing to grasp.
He's more relaxed now, taking her at her stride. Says he's made peace with how she is and what she wants from their relationship: the freedom to be fluid.
But I - get jealous over her. She makes me the most jealous
I remember being in a relationship.
She's exquisitely sultry and seductive, and enjoys toying with sexual tension, the slow smoke.
I can't shake the feeling that every act of honesty towards her is taken as a point to her (against me), every vulnerability I reveal seems to be thrown into the sack of the spoils of some game she's playing which involves eating people
, maybe simply because she likes to know that she can.
But when she
reveals, oh, it's a show of strength, a calculated creep of the veil that opens by hiding. Expression by a thousand teases. She
is in charge of what's going on here.
The only way I can think of answering that is in kind. And - really- I can't be fucked.
Grotto sees something similar - at least, how she's meticulous in her performance - and he appreciates the art of it, is a willing victim. She's a lobster, prickly-shelled, but when she decides to let you get a fork in she is butter, soft flesh and finely chopped parsley. The morsel you get is part of the game too, just enough to be bait.
I'm not gripped. How can I put this? Dear, I've got plenty of people I'd rather be a meal for. I'm not fond of your attitude at the table. We're of a different degustation.
By demanding such subservience, of others to your whims, you make me prefer to be unmoved by you... And I can be unmoved. Decide to ignore you exist (the greatest sadism one can inflict upon a starlet?), or - more likely - just get distracted by other things and not let you feature too highly on my priority of people I spend time thinking about.
That sounds pretty harsh, but it's one of the essential feelings I can distill from this concoction.
On the other hand, here I am, caught up in thought about Bijou again. Ah, but (as far as I can tell, ha!) it's mostly by choice. Freezing my mood at this frame, enhance, enhance, analyse. I am fascinated by the rise she gets out of me, this dense emotional compound.
Another aspect is that I barely know her, really. This character is some Frankenstein monster of what she is, what she projects and what I imagine. I'm aware that I don't really know how things are for her and I'm probably not empathising well, not making fair judgments. Quite intriguing to process.
I've agreed to go to a party at her place tonight with Grotto. Haven't seen her since before I left town, about three months' back. Much of me would rather not catch up with her. Then again, Grotto dragged himself
out of disinclination - two nights ago - to come to dinner with my father (!) who was in town for a surprise visit. I recognised a main motivating factor for me wanting Grotto there, was that I like the people I'm close to to be in the same space as each other sometimes, just getting to know each other. I think it's similar for Grotto re: the party at Bijou's. He said that he would like me to be there. I get that.
But to go means that I'll have to be around Bijou, and I don't really want to. I don't like her? I don't trust her?
I'm not good at moderation. I'm either open or closed. Wish I didn't have to spend any energy on this. Really
can't be bothered. But I reckon it might be something I need to do for Grotto. And it probably would improve my understanding of (if not relationship with) Bijou. And no doubt I'll get to see even more of myself.