Sounds like our metamour relationships are in the same stage
This is a question that I have been struggling with as well.
I am in a closed V with my husband as the hinge. My hubs and I have been together for 14 years and he has been with my metamour for 9 months. She and I are very aware of each other, but have had no communication until recently.
I know that rule #1 in poly is that you never move faster than the most reserved person in the relationship. I am eager to meet her and get to know her. We may never have a close relationship-but who knows someday we might, we'll never know until we try. She has been hesitant to meet me for numerous reasons, all of which I understand and respect.
However on July 3rd we were (all three) attending the same event (it was a company family appreciation day) in various roles.... Hubbs was cooking, she was running a serving line, and I was managing entertainers. No one there knows that we are in a V relationship, but a few of them know that Hubbs has me AND a girlfriend-but they don't know who she is.
However, during the event she made sure to see to it that I took a break to get something to eat, and I made sure to assure her that the other guests were having a great time and that all of the planning that she and hubs had done for the event was appreciated. We really only spent about 20 minutes together talking about the event. We did not discuss the relationship or spend time getting to know each other.
BUT even that short superficial meeting has made a difference in the pig picture relationship, it has helped to reassure all of us that we were on the right track and are with the right people. Hopefully we will be able to build upon this and continue to make strides forward and be able to spend a bit more time together.
One of my short-term goals would be for us to be able to be together on a routine basis (monthly or every other month) to discuss time management, and relationship needs, and wants as a group instead of Hubbs having to act as messenger between us to figure out our calendars.
I guess that's my point for you. for the first meeting find something quick and superficial to do. Grab a cuppa tea/coffee or just walk through Wal-Mart or the park together. Something where you are not tied into a long or stressful event and can leave gracefully if things go a little weird. Then build on that at the speed of the slowest person in the relationship. After that first meeting figure out a minimal goal that you would like to achieve and talk to your shared partner to see if they think that goal is attainable someday, if it is then talk to your metamour to she what she thinks. And remember someday might be a long time away. Patience, is key - At least that's what I keep telling myself.
Keep us posted. I'll be checking in, because your relationship with your metamour sounds like it's in about the same place as mine is with my metamour. I bet you'll have a few good tips to share as time goes on.