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Old 07-20-2013, 03:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

It's feels like it's been forever since I've been on this blog, but it's really only been a couple of weeks. I've just been so busy.

Davis and I have fully reconnected. We're talking and hanging out at the same rate and in the same ways that we used to, and we've gone back to having PIV sex (with condoms). All the distance has evaporated. It seems like the wound that I dealt our relationship has healed. It's such a relief. His support and presence in my life mean so much to me.

I haven't felt very deeply connected to Gia recently. We've spent some time hanging out and talking, and it's been good, but... hmm, I'm not even sure how to articulate the change, exactly. I guess it's that the distances between us used to cause this longing ache in my heart for her. Sometimes it was hardly noticeable, and sometimes it was sharp and painful, but either way it drew me towards her. Now that ache is gone -- I think because of Clay, because of how easily he's been able to give me loads of demonstrative love and sex and D/s in all the ways I've wanted from her -- and its absence makes everything feel off.

It's not like I WANT to be a bit of a wreck over her, but, well, I almost feel like I *should* be, like it's proof of my desire for her. I know that's dumb. I know that when someone can't give you what you want from them, pulling back is better. And while Gia gives me what she can, it's been a long, long time since she was able to give me what I've wanted from her. I do wonder if things will change between us in any noticeable way, or if the change is just in me and how I'm relating to our situation.

Things with Clay continue to be crazy-great. We went on a long bike ride together the other day, and then I cooked us dinner, and then we went our separate ways because we both had stuff we needed to do. It was kinda nice to know that we can have a great time together without sex or kink being a factor. Unf, really really want more sex and kink with him though, and we've got a date set for a couple of days from now, yaaay.

Outside of my relationships... SIGH, well, I'm in a really weird and not-so-good place. I like my job. But it can be overwhelming and I can be lazy. And I did a really dysfunctional, messed up thing six months back -- I started just ignoring a certain category of task I was supposed to be doing. I finally decided to stop doing that, and took a hard look at it the other day. My negligence has definitely caused some problems, which may or may not be entirely solvable, but which can't be ignored.

I need to lay it all out for my boss. She deserves that, she deserves to know the situation. I need to just explain to her what happened, and that I have no excuses for it whatsoever, and that she can fire me or I can stick around and we can work together to fix the mess, it's her call. It's going to be so awfully hard to do that. But at least I'll salvage some of my self-respect when it comes to all this.

More than anything, I'm afraid that this will ruin my reputation among a bunch of the folks in my field. I just keep thinking to myself "hey, it's going to be ok, you can always wait tables, your life will go on." I don't know whether that voice is the voice of wisdom -- after all, I can't make anything better if I'm falling to pieces -- or the voice of complacency that got me into this in the first place -- no need to freak out when the consequences own't be TOO bad.

Ugh. I hate hate hate that I let this happen. It really makes me question what's going on with me. I KNEW that this would come back to bite me in a major way, and I just kept letting it happen, just kept pretending it wasn't there... why the self-sabotage? What the fuck?

Similar questions to the ones I had to ask myself when I let things get bad between me and Davis recently. Simple solutions, and I ignore them and let things get all fucked up instead. I've got to figure out how to stamp out this terrible tendency.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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