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Old 07-20-2013, 12:58 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
Marcus - I really do get you point that I need to own my own shit - that said, I do have a hard time swallowing that a good, healthy relationship is this and absolutely nothing else. You just take whatever your partner is inclined to give, and to avoid any type of obligation - make no requests whatsoever. Granted, most of my relationship experience was in monogamous relationships - and they all had problems, but I can recall times in them when I or may partner would take care of each other - not so much fixing them or how they felt, but offering them support when they needed it in one way or another.
I certainly make requests of my partners and friends; it is how they know that I want something from them. The distinction I would make is that I simply ask for what I want and don't discuss emotional ramifications or complications surrounding the request. Meaning:

"Hey, I want to have a sleepover with you. Have any nights this week open?" is an open ended request without any insistence or assumption of obligation. If they say "No, can't do it. Maybe next week" is an answer I am fully willing to accept.

"Hey, I haven't spent much time with you since you started dating your new guy. Have any nights this week open for a sleep over?" is pretty open ended... granted its kind of front loaded with the idea that she has done something wrong with how she is spending her time. If they say "No, can't do it. Maybe next week" and I respond with "That's a shame, is something wrong? I feel like you aren't paying enough attention to me" builds in even more of this emotional blackmail.

A request for a loved one to take action should be done in the full knowledge that the person you are making the request to has exactly ZERO obligation to comply. Otherwise it isn't a request... it's an order.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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