So a very angst filled post to come.
Recap: Seven and I got officially together May of last year. We were sleeping together since that March. Originally it was always planned to just be something short term and casual. But you know what they say about making plans in regard to emotions and feelings and love. Recently we started (or to be more accurate put a name to) an M/s aspect of our relationship. I say the put a name to because when we started our relationship we still had the emotional/mental submission with guiding, teaching, training and tasks; it was only more recently that the service and physical sides were added.
I mentioned earlier that Tuesday Lamian had seemed off. Apparently earlier that day she had made an error of judgment in regards to her medications. And when Seven got home the two of them got into a fight. She said the reason she had done what she did was because of our relationship. She told him that we didnít have to end our relationship just any aspect of M/s (apparently with more venom than he thought possible) in it. Seven told her that doing so would end our relationship because the two were so intermingled. At which point she made it clear that if we didnít she was gone. She doesnít understand why she canít make him happy like I can and I guess feels that if that wasnít there heíd need her more to be happy.
So I pick him up from work last night and get told about this. Lots of crying ensued. Went to a park to cry and cuddle while trying to figure things out. I end up saying things I thought were bitchy (Seven told me they werenít). One was going off on Lamianís hypocrisy in the fact that there has been numerous times that Seven has hit his breaking point to things need to change or heís gone and not only do they not change but in relation to the submission thing she wonít share it with him and not only has a D/s thing with Darkeyes she has started playing with other people as well. The next was how long is it going to be before she pulls this shit again but now because we are still together.
Get home eventually with more cuddling and crying and pain on both parts. Have sex and the two of us afterwards break down. He couldnít keep from doing any aspects of domination and I started bawling due to the fight to not beg/plead for him, not call him master, or not address myself as his. For a moment the two of us feel like this means that we are over. Lots more crying and pain. I ask questions ranging from how am I supposed to act around him as a friend or roommate when I want to just be with him (he doesnít know because he feels the same way) to just the simple why (because otherwise heís losing his wife). He starts talking about the fact that this just proves that he is meant to have an unfulfilled life in which he is never happy. Finally after that I do beg and plead that the two of us just pretend to not have that desire for each other (because not only is the M/s an integral part of our relationship we learned those roles and how the two of us have interacted are integral parts of ourselves) because I would rather pretend to not be something I am and keep him than lose an aspect of a relationship, him, and a part of myself.
So now we are going to try and figure out how to do things. Heís talking about seeing the therapist I saw for a while, Lamian saw for a while, and he saw for a while to get her perspective and then maybe the three of us meeting with her. Until then Iíve told him that if Lamian is around I canít even trust myself to be affectionate towards him because I donít want her to take it wrong. So Iím a mess. And I asked him earlier how he is and was told that he is resigned. Iím not sure what he means by that.
Still together, still going to the shut-ins. Just no idea on anything else. I generally hate being in limbo in regards to relationships but I'd rather have that than nothing at the moment.
Woodsmith: My husband
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub