I am no longer "out." It is no secret that my DH was strongly opposed to it. However, I mirror in his thoughts. We have different reasons for not wanting to be out, but at the end of the day, it is in our family's best interest. To my family and his family, it seems as if it was just a phase that has passed. My family was never opposed to it. My mum was disappointed at first. My father never said anything to me about it. He may never admit it his true feelings in a bid to protect mine, but I know he was never a fan of it. He wanted me to be happy, so he never said anything out of line. He never asked about my ex. He asked about my DH and my siblings respective spouses all the time. He was polite to Si, but I knew my daddy. I actually care about my family, so I was not about to cut them off because something I chose to do made them uncomfortable. At no point were they ever disrespectful, and I actually need my parents and siblings in my life. I did not have a rough upbringing, and if my only payback to my parents for them loving me is to cut them out of my life, then clearly I have some issues.
Children and Poly
I am not introducing anyone to my children. DH does not want them exposed to poly. Our visions go hand in hand this time. As their mother, it is my job to protect them. I have seen how they can get hurt. I should have learned when my ex distanced herself when all of this started. That was a red flag I ignored. At the moment, my child has not said a single word about Si. She has not even said her name. She knows she is here. I have mentioned her, and she does not acknowledge. My child is still upset about what happened a few weeks ago, and she does not have my forgiving tendencies. I had the tendency to dismiss her feelings and write them off because of her age, but I have realised, her feelings are valid. It was presumptuous to think, "Oh. She will wake up tomorrow and forget about whatever it is." She has every right to not want to be around someone that has shown that they have the ability to hurt her. Despite her age, she understands more than I give her credit for. I am not one of those parents who believes, "Well, if they are good for me, they are good for my children." Bullshit. Si may have been good for me, but for my oldest? Not so much.
In reading about the Triangular Theory of Love, our therapist was on to something. Love is not equal. No two relationships are made of the same types of love. The type of love I have with DH is consummate love. I feel that same passion that I felt in the very beginning of our relationship. It is reminiscent of the dopamine filled honeymoon stage. 13 years in to our relationship, and I yearn for him in a way that is beyond reason and rationale. I am of the belief that what I had with Si was companionate love. Yes, there was a long-term commitment, respect, loyalty even, but I did not feel that same passion. There was no doubt that I loved her and still do. I feel DH's love surrounding me and all inside of me. With her, I knew she loved me, but it was just not the same feeling. I believe this is why it was so easy to lose faith and to end the relationship back in March. I am continuing to fight for my marriage, wiping my brow, and pushing through the good and the bad. Never once have I ever lost faith in our ability to get our marriage back on track.
I spent all of that time trying to balance it out and get back to the level of consummate love. Hence why our therapist felt I was trying to compensate for something that was missing. I spent more time with her. I held the relationship with her to the ideals of a consummate level with a companionate reality. I ended up being complacent in my marriage and neglecting my spouse because I was secure in knowing that I had consummate love with him. I ignored the red flags. I was attracted to her in every way, but I was not running to have sex with her. I could go without having sex with her and never bat an eyelash. DH can look at me, and I am instantly turned on. I may not have even been in the mood at that moment, but it was still going to happen. I never compared the two, but I definitely craved physical intimacy with him more than her. Before things became too chaotic, we were making love every day. Lack of sex was never a problem. With my no bed hopping rule, the physically intimate side of my relationship with Si likely suffered. I wanted my DH and no one else could fill that void. I knew there was a disconnect of sorts with her, but I wanted to fill that void instead of just letting go and giving up. I could not quite put my finger on what it was or when it first became apparent.
Si asked me not to give up on her and us. Even if DH was on board with the idea, I am not sure I have the ability to do what needs to be done to get the relationship back to a consummate level. I know it is not a one person job, but I would need DH's understanding, tolerance, and patience while I attempting to navigate the waters of repairing our marriage, being there for our children/family, and rebuilding a relationship with her. I would also have to be careful not to let the rebuilding efforts with her detract attention away from the progress we are making every day. Realistically, even with baby steps, a fraction of a day per week would not be sufficient enough to accomplish the goal. It seems like it would be a slap in the face to even ask him to consider that when I have proven that balancing a friendship with her and our lives was already too much. I am not willing to ask this of him when he specifically asked for a break and time to focus on us and our marriage.
Hypothetically, if I agreed to this and was able to get him on board with the idea, there are several things she would have to realise. I will not put her before my children or marriage again. I will not be able to split my time like I did before. I cannot be who, what, or even like I was before. The old me is dead and gone. That would take work, attention away from my marriage and family, and time I probably do not have. With demanding children, a less than enthusiastic and neglected husband, a new job, Truthfully, I am not sure I could or would be willing to commit to that. Could we reignite the flames that once burned? Quite possibly. If it sounds cold, do not worry. I explained all of this to her. It was only right to be honest about my real feelings and thoughts.
I do miss having her in my life as a friend. I have given up on the romantic side, but it would be nice to have our friendship back.
DH and I were talking last night over drinks. This was the first in-depth conversation we have had since I told him about my decision to sever all ties. He is still struggling to forgive her, and it is easy to see why. Just when he lets his guard down, something happens to remind him why it was a bad idea. Like I told him, forgiveness is a personal choice, but it is a release from anger and pain. From the religious POV, he understands that he needs to forgive her, but there is a block. He can continue to act like she does not exist and is a non-factor, but it will never make him feel any better. They have not talked since the beginning of May. Plenty has happened since then. I never wanted to be the messenger, but instead of talking to her, he talked to me about his feelings. I had to convey them to her and pass messages between them.
We are going to see her tonight at the Make-a-Wish Gala. The tickets for this event were purchased months ago, and she is going to be seated at our table. I hope the energy is not awkward. Tonight is not about us. It is about a cause we all care about, so we need to keep that in mind. It is the first chance I get to dip in to the charitable scene in a new place and to make connections, and I seriously not want the evening to be marred by bad blood between my DH and my ex.
They have agreed to have drinks before the gala to kill the awkward vibes. I think it might do them some good to talk again. I do not mean that sugar coated bullshit they did in May. You can be respectful and tell somebody what you really think or feel. Holding back is not a good idea. If they are ever going to resolve this, they are going to have to be real about it and stop tip toeing around the issues. If there are still issues brewing between them, the friction will never end unless they address their issues head on. The romantic future has been removed from the table, so he has nothing to worry about on that front. I think they need to be able to talk to each other and work out the issues at hand. If they can be mature enough to do that, then some of the friction might disintegrate.
I am glad that we talked last night, and that we are all in agreement to have a relaxed and enjoyable evening. I have to start on breakfast and get ready to start the day. I have to put my best Stepford foot forward to meet the parents of the school.