I went over to his house last night. The minute I got there he ran up n gave me a big hug, it felt so nice. It made me feel so happy just to see him again and be in his arms, to see him smile and to laugh together. We had dinner together and I wanted to be close to him, things felt normal and great.
Before I got there I had talked to my therapist, my parents, my gf all about the situation. I had been describing it from a very detached place. I made it sound like I had little romantic interest or emotional attachment to the relationship anymore. I even wrote a letter I was going to give him, breaking it off.
When I saw him I was overwhelmed with so many feelings. It felt GOOD to be around him and to love him and care for each other. He gets me and I get him. I felt so confused and like breaking it off was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. It didn't feel right at all.
I knew something had to be done though so I took a deep breath and started a conversation. I told him I was worried about him, worried that I couldn't meet his needs, that I felt pressured with all the responsibility of satisfying him when I know I can't always be around. I told him I really need to be independent at this point in my life. I love him but I can't be there as much as he deserves. I also know our physical/romantic connection isn't as strong as it once was.
He acknowledged my fears and told me he's sry I feel like his feelings are completely my responsibility, that I don't have to be held accountable for making everything perfect for him like that. That he's comfortable where were at and appreciates how independent I am bc he needs his space too and is glad we aren't completely dependent on each other. He's sorry if he whines or seems upset that we don't spend more time together but he understands and it's not my fault.
He knows everything would be easier on both of us if he had another lover to take some of that responsibility off me, n he is looking. He said he never meant to make me feel pressured to be physical but that it is something he desires in our relationship. It doesn't have to be a big part but he wants to hang onto the hope that some day I'd like to rekindle that w him. I told him I'd love for that to happen and it would be really great but I'm not at a place where I can focus on that - I feel it complicates things - and it would be easier on me to not have that expectation over my head.
& I also I don't want to get his hopes up that things will be how they used to. He said he doesn't need them to b how they used to, just to know that I still love him and am not just closing the door on that forever. I don't wanna close the door on anything forever, I just want him to take care of himself and get his needs met elsewhere.
We talked about my desire to be free and make my own choices when it comes to being intimate with other people. I said I'm willing to take it slower but a limit for me is I cannot deal w him being possessive of me or believing he can control me. He said he never wanted it to be like that and he wants me to be free. It's just hard for him bc I keep asking for more and more and he needs time to catch up. N that he also thinks its reasonable for him to be jealous. I said its perfectly normal for u to be jealous but you need to respect me. I want these things to be my decision bc I want to respect you and stay with you which means honoring your comfort level, not because you demand it of me. I don't know if that really got through to him but it seemed to upset him...
We talked for a long time, late into the night that I ended up sleeping over. He woke me up really upset saying its not fair bc he doesn't have one ounce of control over the situation yet I always talk about needing to be in control of myself. I said that's the only thing we CAN control is ourselves. I can't force u to do or feel anything, you have always been in this on your own free will. It's not fair to think either of us can be in control of the other. We have to take care of ourselves to make this work. He was still really upset when I left this morning and I left feeling sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do. We feel so strongly for each other and the good in our relationship is so incredible. It doesn't feel right to end it. Something is pulling us together. We both said we want to do whatever it takes to make things work and I know we really love each other and believe we are soulmates. I don't even know what the problem is, I can't pin point the issues. When we talk about making it work it sounds so easy and makes so much sense. But then why do we both feel like shit right now???
I'm torn between my heart telling me we should stay together, and everyone on the outside of our relationship claiming we should split. I'm so confused and I just want to run away.