Originally Posted by Seasnail
.....familiar with the "hook of uncertainty", and also that it isn't going to last. A friend of mine was helping me puzzle, and she asked if I was afraid that HB will leave me for someone else, and I can say with certainty that I'm not afraid of that... but I am afraid of more losses both for him and for myself, and of being excluded in important decision-making processes.
I think you hit on the key - and one that unfortunately too many others in your situation don't because they let things explode before they have the chance.
As has been noted many times by others (even on this forum) the base issue really comes down to 'trust' - and that feeling as you mention it of being 'left out'. It doesn't do anything to strengthen a bond if anyone feels there's such a gap - that you can't talk openly & honestly about what's happening in your life (and head).
And therein lies the tremendous gains that CAN be made from affairs, indiscretions, anything hidden. It's a coming together - an open acknowledgment - that everyone really understands WHY it happened and (hopefully) that there was no reason - or is none going forward - for it to BE hidden. No reason not to talk about it and work together to find the best solution. As you practice this more on a day-to-day basis, trust builds. And this trust that you build has a feeling of being much more real & solid. Not so much built on 'assumptions'- untested. Real bonds - tested in the fire. Good stuff.