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Old 07-16-2013, 02:37 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 543
Default I fell in love with his wife! and it shocked me!

Hello all - it's been a while! I am still with Richard (as my primary partner) and everything is going good between me and a married couple I am calling Carrie and Gary. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and I can see that this could very well be a long term connection! They are stable, loving, sexual, friendly and have a great relationship.

My issue today is about something that happened last weekend with Lee & Judy. I met them 3 years ago. 5 months ago, she let him come and spend the night with me for the first time. I just found out today that it is the first time she has been comfortable enough for him to spend the night with a girl friend.

After that evening, I had gotten some much needed advice here from Annieintherain, Cleo and Hannahfluke about sending a gift to her- as a thank you for trusting me enough to let him spend the night with me. They advised that I should not send her a gift or that if I did, I should give something to both of them that they could share- or something for the house. I took the advice and am so glad I did, because he has another girlfriend that sent the wife a gift (trying to win her over) the wife told me directly how tacky she thought that was. (I gave them a nice candle when I got there this weekend and that seemed fine!)

Anyway…..last week they invited me to come to their house on Saturday to go out for dinner, dancing and music. And- to spend the night….in the guest bedroom……it’s a big step for all of us. So- I agreed. I found out today that I was the first person to be invited to spend the night also.

She and I still hadn’t had any quality social time together, so I was glad that they were at the place where they were ready to take that step. She knows I am bisexual and she is straight. In all of these years she hasn’t expressed any interest in getting to know me on any level, so I have respected that.

Which is why I was so surprised when she opened up to me and shared some really personal and emotional things about herself with me. We had a lot of fun, dancing, laughing and sharing. It was like I had known her all my life.

So- why did I start crying on the way home and again that afternoon when talking to a friend about it. Even today as I talked to another friend, I cried.

When I woke up this morning and thought about it, I heard myself in my mind say “I fell in love with her this weekend.” The sadness is about the fact that it will be unrequited since she is not bisexual- so my thoughts are…… I can’t let her know about it because if she finds out it could ruin everything.

The sadness is also about the fact that I could be hurt now. Because of these intense and unexpected feelings for her, if she rejects me now then I could be hurt. I’m not as concerned about that, but some of the emotions are also about how vulnerable I feel now. I don’t want to hurt her in any way either- I never have wanted to- and now that I have seen her vulnerable side, I am in full awareness of the responsibility that comes with being in my position.

He wants me in his life and I want him in my life. But- I found that after being with both of them, I could finally see his total self. I shared with both of them on Sunday morning that until now, something was missing. She asked “what was missing?” and I said “You.” The two of them are so much a part of each other that being in love with one of them is not ever going to be a complete experience. But now that I have connected with her, I so desire loving them as a couple. I just don’t know how to do it, but maybe I don't need to know.....can't know right now. I have a deep and authentic desire to love them in my own way and to express it in a way that they are individually comfortable with and comfortable with as a couple.

After talking with several friends, this is my conclusion: Just move forward one day at a time and be myself. It is her decision on how much time she and I or the three of us spend together. And I will honor whatever she is comfortable with.

That said, I really hope to spend more time with them. The three of us have never been sexually intimate. She is simply not ready for that and may never be. But- he told me that he’s not sure why because her favorite sexual configuration is a three-way. I’m thinking it has something to do with the fact that they have always had casual sexual relations….. and when I came along- that’s not what I’m about. So- maybe there is a fear brought on by the heightened emotional intimacy.

In any case- I know there are many wise polyamorous people here. I have benefited greatly from this forum. If anyone has any words of wisdom or feedback, I would be happy to hear it!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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