Originally Posted by quila
While I can see how it would be frustrating for you to keep stumbling on these women, I don't think there's anything wrong with only wanting to date women who are lesbians. I agree that it doesn't make logical sense, but I think that lesbians and bisexual women have very different life experiences, and I can understand why a woman would want to be with someone who has the lesbian perspective. It does, however, put them in a very narrow dating pool, since a lot of lesbians refuse to date bisexual women.
I prefer to date lesbian women because I love their culture. I was Lesbian identified for 10 years and miss it sometimes. Especially when I speak to someone who used to be in my community and I don't receive the same welcome and knowing look that I used to get.
I have not found any Lesbian that wants to date me AT ALL. But then I'm not surprised. I hated the whole idea of a penis back in the day, let alone would accept sleeping with a woman that had one in her life and I have up to THREE! There is just no way I am going to find a Lesbian lover... full stop, end of story. I've given up.
Originally Posted by quila
Got a response:
Even if she's found that her current relationship is going nowhere, am I wrong to believe that she's totally stringing her partner along by posting personal ads behind her partner's back? Even if they both know it's going nowhere, to me that doesn't justify the sneaking. Whenever I've been unhappy in a relationship, or felt it was going no where, I've ended it, even if I still had some feelings for the person. It's hard enough to meet people without wasting your Friday nights with someone you don't want to be with.
Second point, "if you especially have no intentions of leaving your husband for a woman" = "so I'll date married women, but only if they plan on leaving their husbands" ? ... well no wonder she keeps getting her heart broken by married women! She'd dated a married woman who left her husband to be with her, but who eventually went back to her husband. I'm wondering now how much of that was the girlfriend deciding on her own to leave the husband, vs being prompted by the woman from the ad? It may even be that the other woman was really poly but didn't know that it was allowed to be with both, and thought the only way to be with a woman was to leave her husband, but then still loved her husband and went back. The ad poster mentioned that she'd since seen this woman out with yet another woman, making me think this was the case... Hm, I wonder if she could send this woman my e-mail address? :P
So now I'm asking some advice: From an education perspective, do you ever just write someone off as a lost cause? Is it worth my time trying to explain that I'm not planning on hurting anybody and that I have no intention of forming a relationship with someone who believes I'll eventually leave my husband for them? Are some people just incapable of understanding the concept of poly?
Damn ya I would reply. This woman is in a non-monogamous relationship whether she likes it or not! She herself has chosen that. She is quite willing to keep her girlfriend around and look for a new one in the mean time. She is a relationship wrecker by the sounds of it. I wonder how many women she has charmed out of their marriages and then cheated on them while she finds a new woman... and then she has the audacity to judge you? You sound like you have been quite reasonable and have explained yourself... Personally I would now take the nice smile off my face an blow torch her reality with a big reality check.
I have no patience for shit like that... that kind of hypocrisy ...and have no problem pointing it out. Perhaps I would in a more kind fashion than my anger indicates here, but point it out with some radically honest observations of what I know about her.... and even say I am assuming things too.
I figure, if she keeps talking to you and replying then why the hell not?! What is there to lose? If nothing else then you may just make some movement towards change... if not then she is still right where she was. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I used to talk to guys all the time who pursued me on dating sites, showed me pictures of their cocks (like I have never seen one before, they all look the same really, why do they do that anyway? If I have an intimate relationship with that cock then that is different... I like being reminded
) and then tell me they are unhappily married and that I should be ashamed of myself wanting to be up front with my husband about another man in my life. How dare I have that, I will hurt him.
I laid into a few men many a time and whadayouknow, some even appreciated it..?! So surprising, but they said I made them think and that was intriguing... it all went back to the "so when can we fuck" thing again, so really I don't know what changed really. *sigh* maybe I was dreaming?
Anyway, go with your gut and your heart I say. you will gain your own clarity and who knows, you may make a difference.