I knew it probably would not work. Both weekends were the beginning of the end. The first weekend irritated him with having to curtail the PDA and putting her feelings before his. That felt wrong because it was wrong. It was a trigger and painful reminder, which is why he spoke out.
The second weekend irritated him because I chose spending time with her over our children, and it rubbed him wrong because of our daughter's feelings. It left a bad taste in his mouth when our daughter asked where I was and why I was not there? He had to explain to her that I was with Si. It was like the past few years were happening all over again. I have admitted to inadvertently putting her before my children. This time it set wheels in motion in her little mind. I forget that my oldest is not an infant or toddler any more. I might have been able to miss moments before because she was not of able mind to take notice or care. Now, she can and does. She is a little person with her own thoughts and feelings that are capable of being hurt. She is at a very impressionable age, and I cannot do the things I did when she was younger. In the end, I owed an apology to my child because she thought I liked being around Si more than her, and she said that it hurt her feelings. Seeing her cry made me realise that I have to change because I never want to see that again. She just knew mummy was not there when she wanted her to be. She understands spending time apart and alone time, but a core piece of the "family" was not there for family time. The sad part is I had promised that we would have more family time, and the first chance I had to keep my promise, I broke it. She had every right to be upset. This could also explain why she has said nothing about Si. In her mind, Si could be the one taking me or my attention away from her.
As far as DH's feelings, I figured it had nothing to do with seeing her or spending time with her. He held on to the desire to make sure their lives never crossed. He has no tolerance for me or her hurting our children, which is why he reacted the way he did. He does not trust Si, so her indirect actions did hurt our daughter. Meet another trigger. It did nothing to help rebuild the trust between them. It caused a regression. Before he was willing to try therapy with her, now, he is shut down and refusing the idea as a whole.
Basically, the platinum rule was to make sure that being around her did not detract attention from our children and marriage. I proved that I could not successfully carry that out or even balance the two. I went to the gym with her and saw her a few times. He had no problem any of those times. He simply shrugged it off and thanked me for the honesty. The catch was that none of those things meant I had to choose between spending time with her or my family, though. If I was around her at 6 AM for a morning workout, they were still sleeping. By the time they had woken up, I was back, working on breakfast, and continuing with the morning. He had no complaints because I was present when it mattered.
I did not have all of this information before I made the decision to sever ties. Now that I do, I am even more confident in the decision that I made. It is seriously not worth hurting my children over. It is easy to say DH can suck it up, but I challenge any one to tell a young child to suck it up and get over themselves.