Originally Posted by Amnati
That's why I deleted the email before it was read. However, I need to give her her own time to approach my most recent fuck up (a stupid email about my emotional concerns). It just has seemed like every time I open my mouth, I really shouldn't have. But that just means my emotions don't get expressed and I stew in a pot of creatively inspired doubts, envy, self loathing, fear, sexual anguish, and pity (jealousy is too broad to really describe my thoughts). I need to be told about what is going on this new relationship, I need to be told what I'm doing or not doing that is screwing things up, I would like it if she attempted some things that I have mentioned to reassure me and improve our relationship. But none of this is under my control. I'm learning that I get to sit back and "enjoy" the ride and let NRE ride out its course before I can get much of a say in things again.
This is speaking from experience, on your side of the fence. Being the controlled stoic one who lost his mind for a time I get it.
Some things I know work, but take work, and sometimes, you never quite get it
- You have to find a way to feel confident in your relationship so you don't get this emotional swing
- Remember, this type of swing is not attractive, just saying.
- Passive aggressive is a great way to push someone further, not try to bring them closer.
- Try and find something to do. This should be the easy one. Join a club, go to a sports bar, go to the gym. Something that can both occupy mind and body that you find fun. Your mind and body cannot be connected to her mind and body. That clarity will help you feel better.
- Find confidence in yourself as a person/individual
Poly is less about working on your relationships and more about working on yourself. You also probably feel completely out of control since this isn't your usual mental state. Thats a big deal. People sometimes forget that side. Suddenly being crazy when you feel like you are the stable one.. just feels that much more crazy.
I will also be honest, try to avoid getting into another relationship in a time like this. You need to figure out how to be sufficient on your own, and then in time bring someone else in. Otherwise you will end up using the new person as an emotional surrogate.
There is also a codependency portion to this that happens to people in general. Especially couples. She has someone new and that "side" of you is missing. I would recommend doing some reflection and reading on co-dependency. Maybe dealing with it from that side will help as well.
And this shit is hard..