Originally Posted by RickSmith
Hi Seasnail, everyone.
After my first post, I found I had a lot more to say on how I overcame being an introvert. When I was in high school I was at the bottom of the school's pecking order. People bullied me; I was shy and miserable. I realized that I was acting like a victim and so people victimized me. I decided to change my personality.
It was the hardest thing I ever did.
After I wrote all this, it occurs to me most of it may not be much help to you Seasnail. If not, look at is as a living example that someone was able to become a more outgoing personality. In any case, I have a heart felt hope that things go well for you. Wish I could help more.
I think we might be working on different definitions of "introvert"!
I use introvert/extrovert as a description of where one draws energy from and what kinds of social activities/settings one finds fulfillment from. So, as an introvert, I draw energy from time alone or in one-on-one interaction, and I prefer to relate to others in small groups or intimate settings. As an extrovert, my HB draws energy from people... and he prefers to flit from one group to the next, and meet people in dynamic settings. Sometimes this causes misunderstandings between us when we forget how the other is oriented, and sometimes it makes it difficult for us both to get our needs met in the same setting. But it's not something about ourselves we want to change.
I get the feeling that you are talking about shyness, which is also something I have overcome to some degree. Yup, I put myself out there, I volunteer to help behind the scenes, I glue myself to someone familiar, and I people watch from the corner, but I still find it exhausting, particularly if I don't get quiet time on a regular basis.
I originally posted about our introversion/extroversion dynamic because I was wondering what it is about HB meeting & possibly getting casually intimate with someone that I find threatening at the moment... could it have to do with my sense of privacy? We're not "out" among most of our friends, so that is part of the equation too. I feel that it's my business, not theirs in the case of friends that aren't very close, and I'm not terribly into answering a lot of questions either. Realistically, if he sleeps with one of our friends, they then know more about me than I might have been willing to share. This is part of what I don't think HB understands as one of my needs. Not unlike how I don't understand why he would want casual sex.
I have decided that one of my bottom line needs is stability, and I know that if he is seeing someone, I will get attached to her. Some families seem to have rules about the turnover of lovers to protect the kids from becoming attached to a string of adults (many parents do this regardless of poly, actually) only to have them move on, and I kind of think of it the same way for me.
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit
Yea - the 'affair' situation always leaves a hook of uncertainty (for awhile) but like I mentioned earlier - it's not an uncommon way right now that people get launched into this lovestyle. It's just because of lack of awareness in society and as unacceptable as it may be - it's where we are for the most part as a culture. Give it it's little place, but don't put more emphasis on it than you would any other learning curve. The uncertainty it adds to moving down this path will go away as you learn & practice more.
Thanks GS, it's reassuring to read that others are familiar with the "hook of uncertainty", and also that it isn't going to last... a friend of mine was helping me puzzle, and she asked if I was afraid that HB will leave me for someone else, and I can say with certainty that I'm not afraid of that... but I am afraid of more losses both for him and for myself, and of being excluded in important decision-making processes.