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Old 07-15-2013, 05:56 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Quote:
The future of your poly relationships will be served well by your attempting to improve this perspective. While it may *seem* like we are competing for peoples time, it's not a game and keeping and comparing scores is not going to help build healthy relationships.
OK - I can see what you mean there. The feeling fuels the perception of competition, and I can see how scorekeeping doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.

Quote:
I guess I'd prefer to be neglected over being placated.
Yes - me as well. I don't want someone to be me because they want to be with me.

I can't make someone want to be with me - I have tried that one, and it is a disaster. But whatever insecurities I do have, and have to deal with, I am also choosing to not remain in a relationship where a new outside relationship is going to have such a huge effect on the amount of time I get in my current one. That isn't working for me either.

Quote:
Accepting or initiating a sleepover with me out of a sense of duty is exactly the opposite of what I want. SO! Please strike my previous comment from the record.
I wonder if this is such a cut-and-dry question with an absolute answer.

Turning the question on it's head - hypothetically - let's say I have a partner and some monumental time-sucking project. Although, my partner is a priority, I'm putting most of the time into the project, because my partner seems OK, and hasn't said anything to me otherwise. What I don't know is that is it is actually bothering him/her quite a bit, but she isn't saying anything because she doesn't want me to see him/her out of a sense of duty or obligation. Resentment silently builds up...

But the rub is I do want see her - not out of obligation, but because I sincerely like meeting her needs, when I can - if I knew she was missing me, I would want to be with her - the project is just a project - my primary is my partner, and my priority. But because she hasn't said anything, I just don't know - I can't read her mind. I'm picking this hypothetical case because it seems dysfunctional to me. And the dysfunction seems like it stems from not communicating.

Marcus - I really do get you point that I need to own my own shit - that said, I do have a hard time swallowing that a good, healthy relationship is this and absolutely nothing else. You just take whatever your partner is inclined to give, and to avoid any type of obligation - make no requests whatsoever. Granted, most of my relationship experience was in monogamous relationships - and they all had problems, but I can recall times in them when I or may partner would take care of each other - not so much fixing them or how they felt, but offering them support when they needed it in one way or another.

Maybe I'm missing something - but isn't there a way of letting your partner know what you would like from them without it being an obligation at the same time? I actually do want to know what my partner wants from me - I may not choose to, or be able to give her everything she wants, but I still want to know.
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