I am sorry you hurt.
I don't know how to best respond, because you sound like that was more of a "vent" than a request for input somewhere.
It is true that if she is not willing or able to provide you with what you need, you can't make
her. But I wonder if you asked her for her willingness. Like "Are you willing to help me by doing ____? Are you able to do that at this time?"
It sounds like you need reassuring.
I wonder too if any these could help you:
It's ok to take a time out to gather self back together. But don't withdraw so completely that you are checking out of your marriage by putting up walls between you from fear of being dinged again yourself. She's not a mind reader. Sooner or later you have to come out to express yourself and communicate if you want to meet not jsut your own needs but the needs of the marriage. Not your need to be safe from dings, but the what the marriage needs from you to be healthy. It's not gonna be healthy with you hiding.
I assume you still want to be in it since you seem to want to talk and reach out to her. Does she still want to be in the marriage? You could ask if she's still willing to be in the marriage and do the work required so it can be healthy.
I could be guessing wrong here but it seems like there's several layers at once:
- You seem to want to but not know HOW to best communicate with her. So is the problem with how you broadcast, how she receives it, how she broadcasts and how you receive it, or some mix and match thing?
- You seem to not know HOW to handle it if she acts out at you (Aggressive moves?) and want to be free of having to endure being bullied?
- You seem to not know HOW to handle it if she "punishes" you by putting you in the doghouse (Passive Aggressive moves?) and want to be free of "walking on eggshells?"
- You seem to not know HOW to cope when your need/want is greater than she can provide at this time.
- If not willing to provide... could you turn to friends to meet the needs? Family? Someone else?
- If not able to provide at this time ... could you hang on until time when she IS free to provide it?
Is that in the ball park?