Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 07-15-2013, 02:17 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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Good morning and Happy Monday! It is a beautiful day.

The weekend was certainly interesting. A few decisions/compromises were made. My daughter is going to school tomorrow morning. In all seriousness, I was not going to have anything to do while she was gone. My son is low maintenance, and I really would be watching the clock from the time DH left until he returned. With that being said...

I am going to be working part-time. Instead of being thrown in to something new in October, I am going to shadow the person I am taking over for, meet the people I will be working with and the ones I will be caring for, and ease in to a new position. For the time being, I am going to work in the mornings/early afternoons. I do not want to burn out and have no energy left for my children.

Duckie #2 is going to a nursery. We toured a facility last year while I was still pregnant. We put him on the list then, and we just got the call on Friday afternoon. They have a 18-24 month wait list for children under three. It was [jokingly] advised that if one wants to ever be accepted, they would do well to put their name on the list before conception. I feel comfortable with him going there. I was on the fence about sending him to a nursery, but I do believe it will benefit him in the long run. If we do not like it, we always have the option to take him out. He is just going part-time for now. It makes Nanny J's job significantly easier. She is just in charge of picking them up, giving them an afternoon snack, and tending to them until we get home.

I did tell DH about the e-mail. As expected, he was indifferent. I am not really surprised. He has completely detached from anything pertaining to my ex. It is not that he does not care. On the list of things that concern him, she is not on the list. He asked if I was going to respond. I am still not sure I am going to. As of this moment, I have not responded. If that changes, I will tell him.

We had counselling on Friday. Our therapist was questioning my decision to cut my ex off, and she wonders why I just abruptly severed ties when I have been fighting for this for so long. She asked how he felt about it. All he could say was that he did not ask me to do that, but he respects my decision. Very impersonal and emotionless. At this point, I do feel like he is expecting me to say, "On second thought, I want to keep working towards reubuilding our marriage and getting to the point of being able to renew a romance with Si." However, the second part is not going to happen. My decision has puzzled those around me who knew about the situation at hand. They fail to realise it was unhealthy for every single person involved. I did what I felt was best.

All the back and forth had to come to a head. Would I have loved for everything to work out differently? Absolutely. I love Si, and I do miss our relationship. It would be crazy to say the past 12-13 years were irrelevant and meant nothing to me. Before the neglected DH, endless selfish choices, and DH's current stance; polite but firm dismissal of Si, there was good in it. Could we get back to that point? It would take years, and there is no guarantee. I explained to Si that I felt that we kept returning to the same point. The back and forth was not working or healthy. I told her that I still loved her, but I felt like we reached the peak of a mountain; nothing left to climb. Could we go back down and start over? Sure could. We could, but it would take a commitment and work from all three people. With the way things have been and will likely continue to be, that is not something I am even willing to put my hope in to. I could see that no one was completely happy where we were. DH was content and happy at moments but always wondering when or if she would come back in the picture and ruin that. Si was content but not happy because our relationship had ended and dealing with the fact that every time she was close, it caused problems in my marriage. I could not pretend that I had enough faith to continue fighting for it. I did not like it or enjoy any of it. I was not willing to settle for almost always being at odds with him when it came to her. I knew it was going to hurt her and cause her to shed tears. I am truly apologetic for that. I never wanted to make her cry or feel any pain. It is a sad situation all around. It will get better in due time.

I am going to cling to hope that I made the right decision. I am sure there are people--even on here--who are wondering, what the bloody hell was she thinking, and why did she cut Si off?! Love does not conquer all.

While the little ones are napping, I am going to work on lunch for them and dinner for the family. I hope everyone is enjoying their day or evening.
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