Thanks, all, for your kind words.
I had good talks with both Ren and MrBrown today. It made me realize a couple of things:
What I am grieving is not so much the way the relationship was the last couple of months - because it's been going downhill for some time. What I'm grieving is most of all my poly ideal, the one that was kindled in December when C stayed at my house for the first time while Ren was also there, after meeting a lot of my friends, and the day before I told my parents about him. That ideal of integrating him more and more into my life... I was just too idealistic, or gullible, or whatever, to realize that all the time I was drawing him in, he was actually pulling away.
BUT I was just looking at some photos (yeah I know should not be doing that) and they made me very sad. We did have something good, while it was good.
I kind of sort of but not really broke the 30 days of no communication rule (I told him when he left this morning we should not communicate for 30 days)
I have a blog, on which I write about a specific subject but will often also write about life events. I wrote a post about C today.. his name is not there, and you would have to know a lot about my life to be able to know it's about him. But he subscribes to my blog so unless he decides not to read, he will read my account (in poetic and rather cryptic language) of the break up.
But hey, I'm a writer, this is what I do, I write about things that happen to me.
MrBrown visited me this afternoon. A good talk, and some lovely sex. It's definitely a benefit of poly that breaking up with someone, doesn't have to mean you become lonely and sex deprived
I do love him so, my MrBrown. Just like Ren, he sees me as I am, he sees right through to my core, and he believes in me even if the core gets clouded by my fears and anxieties. This is a good thing to remember, because despite the love I felt for C., I never got THAT feeling from him - that he truly loved me just the way I am.