Do you think you could stop throwing life lessons at me for a bit?
I mean, I get it, I really do.. I have a lot to learn. But please, a little time to breathe before the next round, would be very nice.
Things have been ... I don't know what to say.
First of all, my dad is still very sick, and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it and the whole family situation. It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.
Besides that, I had a health scare of my own - don't want to go into specifics, but it basically meant waiting for life-or-death test results for over a week. I'm fine! BUT - it was a pretty horrible week.
To top it all off, C and I broke up.
He came to my city for a long weekend, to stay at the place I was housesitting. I could write a really long story about all that happened and how it made me feel and what it made me realize - but I'll keep it short and just say I finally got him to admit that his feelings for me have changed since he became involved with Molly, and that he does not desire me anymore, and that he has felt like this on and off for some time now, and that he is probably not able to have two 'full' relationships, and that he made the decision to have this relationship with her and not me.
I have lots of mixed feelings. In a way I am relieved to know that all my anxieties and insecurities were not the result of my crazy mind, but that I was actually tapping into HIS doubts and that I was feeling the very real threat. That his reassuring me was basically him reassuring himself.
I was very very sad also and very mad, as well. But while I could not hide the sadness I managed to not give in to being mad.
He said that having a loving friendship without sex would be a relationship for him - I said that it isn't all about the sex, that it has to do with the fact that he became more and more integrated in my life and I had none of the same in his.
I said that while I did not blame him for the fact that his feelings had changed, I did blame for the fact that he had not been honest with himself about it and therefore had not been honest with me. He said things aren't that clear cut and he did not know for sure for a long time (I think that is bull shit - but again, managed not to say so).
So many things I did not say.
My only slip was a sarcastic 'I hope the 2 of you will be very happy together'.
I just felt so stupid... How I kept giving him my love,, inviting him into my life, while he has been withdrawing from me for months - all the while still telling me he loved me and that nothing had changed.
He just left.
I think it's very possible that we'll never see each other again.
We agreed to no contact for a month. I don't think that will be hard, because I really feel I have nothing left to say to him.
I know this is for the best - the relationship with him has been causing me so much worry over the past months. It was more worry than pleasure, really. Especially when the physical part was no longer a language through which we communicated. But - I love him, and he has been such an important part of my life for a year and a half.
It hurts. A lot.
early forties, straight.