Originally Posted by Marcus
People change over time and sometimes quite abruptly. Sometimes a persons focus changes to such a degree that their previous interests take a back seat or are removed from their list of concerns entirely. Relationships are not mechanically static nor are emotions determined by contracts.
I personally find little to no value to someone doing something for me simply because they made some kind of previous agreement with me. I want my partners to enjoy their time with me and if they are not enjoying it, I want them to go do what they would rather be doing. They are my romantic partners, not my indentured employees.
Of course they change-we all change.
But-if you have already accepted obligations (such as children, a mortgage, a pet etc) then you need to uphold them until they are finished.
If you have agreed to obligations such as a romance, safer sex, date night or WHATEVER-even if it's coffee on MOndays with your best friend, you need to fulfil it.
That's where the communication detail comes in-if you don't want to do it anymore, you don't just stop. You SAY SO.
my bf and I are currently not sexually involved. Nothing to do with poly or Maca. It's a personal preference of my own that has nothing to do with ANYONE but him and I.
I didn't just stop having sex with him 6 months ago. I communicated what has changed and why it isn't working for me right now.
Not because he said I have to tell him.
Because that's caring behavior.
We've been in SOME sort of relationship for 20 years.
Just friends, then fwb, then just friends, then lovers, then dating, then D/s, then....
with each, there are changed to what obligations we each agree to take on.
But we don't just dump the agreements and leave one another ahnging.
Likewise-with my friends, I have a friend who I met 25+ years ago. About 18 years ago we were best friends and had been for some time, when he married. She hated me. We talked and agreed to not have contact-for the sake of their relationship. But he didn't just DISAPPEAR.
3 years ago they separated and started divorce proceedings, he contacted me and expressed an interest in reconnecting. I was thrilled. But I didn't just up and cancel my date nights with Maca so I could go meet up with this guy. I arranged my calendar to include this new person without dropping my responsibilities to my family, lovers, friends, etc that are currently in my life.
Too often there seems this "oh well I can't help it, it's NRE" excuse for just walking away and expecting that the people at home with pick up the pieces of your trail of tears for you-and wait til you reappear.
That's just fucking irresponsible and rude.
If you can't AT LEAST tell me, "hey, I'd really like to free up my Friday nights, how can we do that without you having to rearrange our babysitters, work schedules, household responsibilities on your own"?
I expect my partners, friends and family and even my kids to be more considerate. Not just to me, but to PEOPLE in general.
Hell-I walk out of dr offices for that shit. If my appointment was scheduled for 11, and you can't even have the dignity of having the secretary let me know you are running late-don't expect me to be waiting at 11:30. It's all good if you are running late-but your time isn't more precious than mine. I am expected to call if I need to alter times, and I expect to be notified if they do.