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Old 07-12-2013, 11:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,087

GF feels resentful that she has spent all this time supporting me and hearing my upset, anger, etc. and feels I let my ex get off far too easily.
So your GF finds providing you with support/nurture in your times of need a "chore?" And that if her support helps you let go of the ex in a healthier for you way the ex "gets off easy" rather than "you are able to leave healthier?"

She expects you to "punish" the ex somehow for "making" you feel yucky so your GF's time investment in supporting you to heal is "worth the bother?"

If she is not willing to be tending to you in a break up, she could say "I'm sorry. I am not willing to tend to you in a break up at this time" and then not do it.
It could solve her resentment that she's "HAD to spend all this time supporting you, listening to your upset, etc" if she would state her willing/not willing and then just NOT do what she is not really willing to not do or do MORE than she is willing to do. She could respect her own limits.

She said that not only would me getting back involved with her effect our relationship; but would also be unhealthy for me.
Was that supposed to be a threat?

Or was that just her stating her own limits up front this time?

You getting involved in ANY outside relationship affects "our relationship" because it changes the polymath. You breaking up with people changes the polymath.
Whether you practice an interdependent model or independent model of relationship -- at the very least it affects the time available to share with her / and sex health risks, right? When things change, ripple effects are felt. Limit of the Universe.

What constitutes as being 'bad' for an existing relationship, regarding extra relationships?
Bad how? Like going down poly hell? Or something else in some other area other than emotional/time management? Like they close joint checking accounts without you knowing to give it to the new sweetie? Trust things like that?

All relationships use up human and non-human resources. Spending more resources than you actually have is "bad" -- be it time, money, sleep, energy, skills, knowledge, willingness, trust, goodwill, etc. Spreads people too thin.

How can we avoid neglecting our relationship during breakups, or the lead-up to breakups?
Could become aware of each of your habits in break up times -- what the strengths/weaknesses are and what is needed at what stage. What you could do different, what GF could do different.

Could give the partner a heads up whether you are the breaker-upper or the breaker-uppee as soon as possible.

Could let them know what you need and ask if they are willing to provide it.

Could ask them if they know what they need at this time and state what you are willing to do/provide.

Could let them know how you see this will impact your time together over the next little while.

Could know and state the changing wants, needs, and limits -- nobody can mind reader.

How can we ensure that we provide immediate care to the heartbroken partner, without finding ourselves swallowed by their grief?
Could have good boundaries and tell the person when the load is too much for you.

Could encourage them to share with OTHERS because your own bucket is now full.

Could sign up to be the Friday person. But not every day of the week person. Could respect your own limits.

If you have failed to created poly community -- friends, family, etc. Well, you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Go MAKE some friends and create your poly-safeword people so when the fit hits the shan, you don't have the added burden of "I have nobody I can talk to about this locally." Online help is great and all but online strangers do not bring you your fav funny movie and your fav soup and sit there and watch it with you.

Could accept that sometimes the ministry of presence means being willing to dwell in someone else's pain so they don't have to do it alone. And yeah -- it's not a COMFY thing. It's a skill to be able to empathize, sit with them for a time, then walk away and let someone else take a turn with them so you can go off to do whatever it is you have to do and not be all bogged down in it. You don't get to get to grow the skill if you don't expose yourself to actually having to exercise it. And even when you do have the skill -- it's still not COMFY to do. Nobody goes "Oh, yay a grieving hard time! Whee!"

Practical suggestions here. Could OFFER what you are willing to do and not wait for the broken to tell you. Be nice if they could, but they sometimes cannot yet.

How and *when* can the non-grieving partner voice their own feelings on that former relationship, to eradicate resentment and strengthen the existing relationship?
Could bring resentments up earlier and not let it grow to levels like that in the first place.

Could check in for relationship maintanence periodically -- not just when things are crap. Strengthen all along, not just after things are breaking/broke.

Could ask the grieving person something like "Could you be willing/able to talk about my end of things? When would be a good time?" and not just dump it on their head in the midst of crisis. Make an appointment.

If I were keeping silent and let "ugh" build up to resentment levels and did not nip it in the bud? It is SO not the time to drag all that out to DH when he's in crisis. I'd be ADDING to his problems at hand rather than TAKING AWAY from his problems. It's not loving or kind to do that. If I sat on it that long I could sit on it a few more days/weeks so I'm not pinging him when he's already down.

Would you end a relationship because your partner was unhappy about it?
Depends on why partner is unhappy about it. Maybe I'm too close to see something that DH can see or he became aware of. I'd be willing to hear the reason. I'm not willing to just break up with the person, but I'd be willing to hear the reason.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-12-2013 at 11:36 PM.
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