Of course she's everything you're not. She's a different person! Your kid is everything your dh is not... Your dog is everything your fish is not.
I've met/hung out with my bf's wife a bunch and we are both everything the other is not. She's a science geek, I'm an artist. She's small and slender, I'm voluptuous. She has longish dark curly hair, I've got a short silver layer cut. She's an introvert, I'm an extrovert. She built a house with our shared partner, I don't have any building or electrical skills. She's nearly asexual, and I am insatiable.
We are close to the same age, we are both female and wear glasses and "alternative" types. Ginger gets different things from both of us! That's the beauty and purpose of the whole gig.
Another reassuring thing is all the stories Ginger has told me about his past gfs. Wow. The things he put up with from them! I'd say they were high maintenance and inconstant and yet he loved them despite of it all. I feel I am much easier to get along with than they were, so I am pretty secure! haha
Fear of abandonment and body self image are obviously things you need to work on, and I'd recommend you do more therapy so you can enjoy this poly ride instead of being struck down with fear and insecurity.
I am sorry for your pregnancy loss.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s