Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 07-12-2013, 03:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
Oh I second, third, and fourth this! I think it's the totally WRONG approach. It got to the point, for us, that hubby started wondering, why be married? If the answer to not getting enough time with your spouse is take care of yourself, if the answer to not having your spouse do things with and for you is to do it yourself then why the hell be married? Basically, you're not! We've come to a better idea of balance now. We are still working on coming back from that damn advice. Advice that is handed out to mono partners like candy! I swear it does more damage than anything!
Damage is not the word! We had so many arguments over his hobbies. I wanted to scream. Matt was at that point, too. Why am I married when I am alone more often than not? I think we will be working on undoing this advice for awhile. Slowly breaking it down little by little.

He's seen so many people give up, get divorced, because they are basically told poly is okay for their partner but only if you ask nothing of them and put no responsibilities on them. If you aren't getting your needs met meet them yourself! After awhile they realize they aren't IN a marriage anymore. So it's good bye.

I've been a SAHM most of the kids life, and when I wasn't, hubby was. That was the eye opener because he could see how I lost myself, so we learned to try and make it a point to do things that are just 'us'. Meaning for me to do things that are just me and him things that are just him. Still a work in progress but important.
Now that I am a SAHM, I am realising that balance is important. Matt's hours are more functional now, so when he gets off, he insists that I take some time to myself. He told me a few days, "Even if you just go get some coffee, take some time for yourself." One of my concerns was that I was going to lose myself, have no time/energy for my interests, and just be Matt's wife or my children's mother.

Things are much better now that he is being more flexible with his hobbies. Naturally, he had interests that he wished to continue, and I respected that. Once it warms up, I want to take up some of his water activities like surfing and snorkelling. I am open to new experiences and more time to bond. I doubt that I will be able to get him try yoga or ever get a pedicure, though. I see men in the nail salon all the time. We have found a balance. We do not want all of each other's available time. We do want to make sure we spend enough time together, though. It is all about balance and compromise right now.

I swear I want to wring the neck of these people giving advice to people new to poly or having partners that are new to poly that they should just 'get a hobby, get a life and get over it!' Sure, there's lots of internal work with poly, why am I jealous, why does this bother me. I just thought the POINT of being in a relationship with someone was if you need a sounding board, they were there! If you need time or reassurances, they would WANT to give it to you!

Pffft, get a hobby, please!
I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this!

*Sarcasm Alert*

With all the alone time newbies will have, they will have plenty of time to work on themselves. Meanwhile, they will end up feeling lonely (who cares that your partner is gone for two months with another lover and barely calls), neglected (NRE/dopey brain is a perfectly okay excuse to spend a whopping total of an hour per week with one's partner), flawed (she is a better cook than me; she is thinner than me; he has more muscles; she/he loves that person more; he is more well endowed, so I must be a terrible lover because my partner does not want to sleep with me any more--none of these are the partner's fault, right?), and/or silly for being jealous (get that under control because it is not your partner's issue; he/she should not have to do anything to make you feel more comfortable). Oh, but it is a-okay because their partners have no responsibility to make them feel secure with the relationship, and they should ask nothing of them. Whatever is offered should be appreciated. One should feel like the spirit of love has touched their soul when they want to spend time with them because it is a privilege.

I have heard people say stuff like ^^^.
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