Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 07-12-2013, 01:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

I deleted it and decided to expand on it a little more.

I really do dislike when people tell people to get a hobby, join a gym, build their self-esteem, stop being co-dependent, find some friends, or do WTF ever it takes to deal with a partner being out with someone else. That caused problems after the fact, too. My DH took that idiotic advice and those things became a security blanket after the apocalypse. It was the perfect set-up for avoidance. Avoiding me, avoiding the issues at hand, avoiding confrontation in one aspect but still running in to it elsewhere, etc. Once he was the only person in my life, suddenly I had a lap full of available time. He was not willing to alter the way he had been doing things just to please me because I changed my life around. He felt like he owed nothing to me. He also felt like his life should not have to change because circumstances had changed mine. It plucked on my nerves.

You know where he was when I was alone on those nights? At the gym, with his friends, poker night, boxing, and the list goes on. Could I have spent time with friends? Absolutely. That was not what I wanted, though. I missed him and wanted to be around him. I realise how it must have been for my DH because he has said something similar.

In the beginning of the rebuilding process, my feelings regarding being alone did not matter to him. Our marriage was still being treated like a poly one, and the roles were reversed. Only it was not another partner. It also sucked to realise that he had a whole other part of life that I was not part of. He scaled back a little, and I hope that he does not take the same stance again. For the record, I never had a problem with him going out, but it was overkill. He knew I was at home, our children were gone, and he would stay out until 4-5 because when I was with her, "He did not have to check in with anybody." We had many rows over his hobbies and ways to cope. Lesson learned? Damn right.

As someone who has now been on both sides, I can say with certainty that if I miss my husband and only want to be around him, there is no hobby that I will want to do. I am not co-dependent or needy either. I know we need time apart. I just desire that connection and closeness and not everyone can fill it. It just like a craving while you are pregnant. You want whatever it is, and there is nothing else that you will settle for. I would not settle for a time filler--err unwanted hobby. I was not going to waste my energy on friends I did not want to be around at that moment. I like being alone, but I did not always want to be alone. I was not going to waste money on hobbies I had no interest in and would barely have time for. There were times while I was dating her that I only wanted to be with him, too. During those times, I rearranged some things because the heart wants what it wants. Just because the schedule said, "I am supposed to be with Si," did not mean that is what my heart wanted or even what I needed right then. Nature of the beast with non-monogamy.

You can be as secure as you want to be, love being alone, introverted, and everything else, but it will irritate your skin for someone to say, "Go find something else to do," when the one thing you want is to be with the person you care about. If someone were to tell me that, the first thing I would say is, "I do not want a damn hobby. I want my husband. The end."

I am still trying to find the positives that poly brought to my life, and I wish I knew why I was having such trouble trying to list even five positives. It has been 4.5 months, and I am still drawing a blank. If I was still clinging to the hope of resuming a relationship with my ex, it stands to reason that there had to be something positive that it brought to my life. Unfortunately, I never found it. The odd part is I can list the benefits of my current situation with ease. I have not found a single negative, yet, which is odd because we are still dealing with missing trust, unpleasant situations, and things that are not so rosy.
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