Sorta-last day of vacation. I don't wanna go back.
Sat down with the hubby and he opened up to me more. We talked about how he felt when we first opened up our marriage. I had almost forgotten, but he had admitted he had feelings for my best friend, and I had just started up with Mr. C. He invited my friend K over, and they made out and he started to get intimate with her (the three of us have often fooled around together (sorta drunk, he's slept with her once or twice with me there, and other times they'd engaged in kissing, petting, and some oral stuff all with me there, so it wasn't like they were new to each other or anything.)
However, I found out later, that he had a little performance anxiety and they both felt pretty terrible about it. The whole situation just didn't work out and DH was hurt. Turns out K was really trying to appease me/him. I didn't like that idea at all and told her so. Her and I had a long talk over the following 12 months and we have kind fell into this D/s dynamic although I know precious little about the lifestyle. She is heavily into it, and for some reason, sees me as her Mistress. I love her, but I am still uncomfortable wielding that kind of power over her. Also, neither I nor the hubby wanted her playing a role for either of us, even though it made her happy to do so. Hubby wanted someone who wanted him. Still, K loves me too, and will do anything I ask because it makes her happy to please me. I'm flattered, although I honestly want to see her happy, too.
I suppose I'm pretty domineering in my life, but to be honest, in bed, I prefer to be submissive. Not passive, mind you, but... I dunno. I'm usually not, though. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak. With DH, it works out well, because I trust him enough to be his manly-man self, and prefer being submissive, and he is uncomfortable with women being overly aggressive with him in bed. So, we fit.
With Mr. C, however, things are a bit different. I don't know how sexually compatible we are, but I do enjoy expressing my love, (yes, I do love him) through sex as just one of many ways. He had said that he'd try to be more aggressive with me and I enjoy that, but I sense that it's just not him. And that's fine. But I do still have a desire to just... give myself over to someone in bed, and DH and I... well it's just our routine now.
Wow, got off track a lot from where I wanted to be in this post. Anyway, DH and I talked about how he felt hurt by K not returning his feelings of deep friendship and possibly love as well as sexual attraction. Then, seeing me with Mr. C, and how he and I just worked out well made him insanely jealous. *sigh* At least it was nice to hear him say his realizations in his own words.
The Hubby an D2 have a date for Monday. He'd like to know more about her marital situation, and would like to discuss safety and other things. I expect they'll get cozy as well. As long as he observes safety concerns of mine, I don't have a problem with this. He originally asked if I minded if he saw her Saturday, the same day our flight gets us back home. I thought I had mentioned it yesterday, that I felt I needed him for some family time that day, and to help The Little Man adjust to being back home after a week's vacation. Apparently he "didn't remember" that part of the conversation. Not remembering things still is an issue with him. Regardless, I restated my opinion and fought back the urge to show him how irritated I was about that. He said it was fine and scheduled Monday to meet with her.
I have to admit, I'd be interested to know how D1 took their breakup. She just disappeared, as the Hubby put it, but to be fair, I thought she might have taken him literally when he said that he'd be unavailable for a week or so, and she just never checked her messages or texts or whatever. But again, the effect that her mood swings were having on my dear hubby were very undesirable for ME, heh, so I'm not too upset about the breakup myself. Anyway, glad he's moving along with that.
DH has recognized that his insecurity regarding M is his own, and was finally able to articulate what he needs from me in order to feel secure about our marriage. Although M said that he didn't want to continue unless my husband was okay with things, and felt that was best achieved by meeting with DH in person, I think we will be okay if I explain how DH feels to M.
It's interesting to me that M is very conscious of proceeding only with DH's consent. I'm not entirely sure his wife is aware of me, specifically, but I get the feeling there's an understanding between them. He's talked about swinging, and cuckold/cuckqueaning things vaguely when it comes to his wife. I will ask more about this when I see him next, but I don't get the "broken marriage," or "cheating husband" vibe from him. Also, he mentioned that the last woman he was involved with (while married) was cheating on her husband, and the husband's discovery is what ended M's relationship with this woman. He was pretty hurt by this, obviously, and they had been together for several years. So I imagine he's not eager to repeat that pattern, and have the rug snatched out from underneath him by an angry husband.
Angry Husband. That's the theme of the week, I suppose. I'm not okay with Angry Husbands, but how do I feel about Angry Wives? He always speaks very highly of her. He knows she's gorgeous and exotic and that by "American standards" she's a knockout. He loves her, loves his family life and is very close with his teenage daughter. I like him a lot. I like his communication style. I'm way more attracted to him than I thought I'd be. Oh, I meant to post my narrative about our first date. Someday, I suppose. Anyway, looking forward to getting that off the ground when I get back into town.
And finally, Mr. C. Spending a lot of time talking with DH on this vacation prompted me to touch base with Mr. C, to make sure he was getting everything he needed from me thus far. The other week he confided in me for the first time that he missed his wife. He had no desire to curb any of her other interests in life, nor invade them, but he missed planning their nights and dinners together, and missed "our things," that they'd do together. He was willing to find new "our things," with her, but it didn't seem that she was, and that made him really sad. I wish I could do more than just sympathize and comfort. He said he hates to even think about it let alone bring up how unhappy with that he was because it just makes him want to cry. I wanted to make sure he wasn't keeping anything like that from me, or at least, give him an opportunity to tell me anything like that. He said no, everything was great, and then asked if I felt the same. Now that we have kind of a weekly thing planned for awhile, I'm pretty content, myself.
I just had a thought. What if he was trying to tell me more about his hesitancy to develop deeper feelings for me? Oh sure, he *said* I think I love you, but the way we've never discussed it since kinda brought things back to where we were before, and I've let it rest for now. But what if his recent admission about missing the closeness with his wife is part of one of those larger reasons he stated before, feeling fear that falling in love with me would be unfair to his wife. What if he's afraid that she's growing distant from him and that if he allows himself to feel more for me, he'll grow distant from her, too?
That totally makes sense now. I can't fall in love with you (or at least, I can't admit it to myself,) because then I'll be drawn to you instead of my wife and I don't want to feel that way. In that case... I guess I should really hope for the best as they make their vacation trip out west this weekend. I mean, I did already, but maybe their happiness will open the door for Mr. C. and I to develop deeper feelings as well. *sigh* Why is happiness so elusive for some people?
- Me, 36, female
- Arabella's Husband, 36, male
S, DH's new relationship, 35, female
- Arabella's boyfriend, 35, male, married to E
- Mr. C's wife, 35, female