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Old 07-12-2013, 12:26 AM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 26

The ability to take responsibility and full authority over your own shit and letting everyone else take care of theirs.
All makes perfect sense to me - not as easy as it sounds in practice.

I would add the following: making a determination if the dynamic as a whole is working for you, then exercising the decision to either remain in the relationship or no rather than trying to change the other person.

I'm saying this because one of the things I have learned in previous relationships is that someone who runs away and distances themselves in difficult times doesn't work for me. I'm not talking about temporarily disengaging when things start to escalate - I'm talking about disappearing for days or weeks on end. Trying to fight this has not worked well for me.

I can totally see taking responsibility full authority over your own shit is necessary - even if I am still learning this. But is that all - is there ever any point when it is OK to ask for emotional support from a partner - not fixing the way you feel - but support.

Consider this - last weekend I decided to spend a few days with some of my chosen family (a very close friend from the service and his wife) and get a bit more centered. At one point they noticed I was tearing up a bit, and they came over, held me and told me I was going to be OK - that what I was feeling was OK. That just made me completely lose it, which was what I needed.
I am intentionally using a non-romantic example where someone was supportive about how I felt - not trying to fix me, but just being there with me through it. Is this something you cannot do in an intimate relationship because there is too much tendency to make the other person responsible for your shit?
Perhaps the answer is in your example - you have some process you do first, before you ask your partner for time.

Not getting what we want sucks. However, that's just part of reality.

Honestly she doesn't sound like she was really into it.
Yea, I know you don't always get what you want - this is why I try to avoid expectation. This one sort of snuck up on my over time - it was working without issue for almost a year before it derailed.
She probably wasn't really into it - at least not the same way I was - which is disappointing to me, but just the way the cards played out.

What do you mean by negotiation here?
Negotiation might be the wrong word. Basically this: I feel something off, and realize it is that I feel disconnected from my primary - that the frequency I see her has markedly changed - We usually spend at least 4-5 days (sleepovers) together a week, and suddenly this shifts to 1-2 visits (no sleepovers) a week. Basically - I miss her and want to see more of her - all my emotions, my shit as you put it. I figure she can't read my mind, so I tell her how I'm feeling, and ask for more time. She takes this as my trying to control her, so I back off. Whatever you would call that.

There is another difference between your example and mine. I've never had a hard time when a partner gets bogged down at work - it happens to me, too. But I don't feel like I'm competing with my partner's job. But if felt different when she is choosing to spend most of her time with someone new. It is totally her choice - but I want someone who doesn't take me for granted and wants to spend *some* time with me too.

Yes - in hindsight this probably was not a really good relationship for me, so it follows that it is not necessarily a conclusive indicator that poly is right for me or not.

I've done/am doing everything on that list except the last, which I translate to re-engaging my life - it is a good time for this, and I'm starting to re-engage in ernest. I'm just a bit sad it didn't work out at this moment - I don't like breakups.
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