Just checking in.
I drove Fly to the airport this morning for a 2-day trip to LA. He was invited to film a record attempt involving his sport for Guinness Book, hence the whirlwind getaway. Things haven't been great for us for a while, but oddly they're not bad either.
We aren't having much sex, perhaps once every couple of months, and I'm struggling a lot with the situation. Sex and touch are really primary ways for me to show and receive love, and to not have that with him feels disconnected. He's always had sexual ebbs and flows, and he's extremely fond of new and shiny. We've had this discussion many times over the years - he feels that when people are together for a long time, live together, see each other every day, that it's natural for the excitement to die down and the attraction to fade. He loves me, and in every other way our life together is wonderful, so he doesn't really see a problem. However, that's just not true for me, and it's difficult to wrap my head around. My personality is such that the deeper the relationship, the more familiar and close the person becomes, the more I'm sexually attracted. It may not be swinging from the rafters, but the strengthening of the emotional connection is sexy to me. All this is probably why he defines himself as nonmonogamous, while I am happier with the concept of poly.
I asked him if this is something we can work on, or at least come to some sort of compromise about, because to be very honest, I'm not particularly interested in a nonsexual relationship, particularly with a life partner. He thinks we can figure it out, but asked me for some time and sexual space. I'm willing to give him that, but in return asked for an increase in nonsexual physical affection. Along with not having sex, he's not been cuddly or close to me. For instance, when we're in bed together, he used to spoon me or pull me around to spoon him, or we'd lie back to back, or whatever, always touching. Now, he sleeps way over on his side of the bed with no contact at all. He apparently didn't realize this, and told me that he can work on being more mindful about giving me the touching that helps maintain my sanity.
I finally had some time with Punk last night. I know I don't write about him much, but it's because our relationship is so easy. I love being with him, and even when we haven't been together in a while, we pick up right where we left off. He's been having some poly troubles in his household, and I was able to be a listening ear for him to vent to. I feel for him, his life is not easy. Their family has so many people involved, with girlfriends and boyfriends and subs and slaves and BDSM partners and etc. It exhausts me to think about, but it's what they want for their lives. Anyway, we had plenty of talking and some good old penis-in-vagina fucking, for which I was incredibly appreciative. I also have a lovely array of bruises decorating my breasts.
The night before last, I went to Moonlight's. We also had some blessedly satisfying sex, and then stretched out on the couch to drink wine and watch baseball. She's coming over Thursday night for dinner, while Fly is gone and Kiddo is at his mom's. We have never had sex in my house without Fly, and always in his room, so we're going to christen my bed.
She and I celebrated our 1-year-anniversary two weekends ago, with a little road trip over the mountains for a long weekend at the big gorgeous lake. It's strange and wonderful to reach such a milestone with her.
So, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing ok. There's some crunchy stuff, but overall, I'm lucky to have some beautiful people in my life.