Thread: Hello :)
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Old 07-10-2013, 01:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I am finding that the way I word things is very important in portraying my intent. I am also finding I am not nearly as good at wording things as I thought I was. I am doing my best to word things correctly, but I don't even really think about some of the different ways my wording can be interpreted. It is never my intent to offend anyone, nor is it to sound like I don't consider all people individuals.
Basically the reason why most members here point these things out to people is not to judge them or say they've been offended, but to help them look at any thinking, mindset, prejudices, beliefs, expectations, etc., that may be behind how an idea is expressed. It's not about wording things "correctly" to please us or anyone else - other forum posters are not grading you on your language. What a lot of folks fail to recognize is that pointing things like this out and letting one know how the words that are chosen affect others, is meant to be helpful information so that someone can be successful moving forward -- this kind of feedback is not just a criticism.

For example, if you read many stories here from women who have been in triads that bombed, you will see how the prevalence of a "we" mindset really made them feel like they were valued less than the core, pre-existing couple because everything was "us and her" rather than him and her and her. That is a lot for an individual to be up against in a relationship every day. In reality, triads, quads and other multiple-partner relationships are all made up of dyads, and it behooves everyone to stop thinking of a triad in terms of a "couple plus one." Language is pointed out to newbies only as something to be watchful and cautious about, so that one can see where any bumps in the road might come up. I appreciate that you've taken all this in a positive light, and as something to examine and be aware of. Awareness is key!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-10-2013 at 02:35 PM.
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