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Old 07-10-2013, 09:19 AM
london london is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
It's a bit much to call what I'm going through lately being "sexually repulsed" by my husband. We have had plenty of good sex over the years. His body is attractive (he turns heads). I just feel like the dynamic between us isn't sexy these days. I want to fix that. I don't want to throw out an otherwise solid marriage and break up a family. I want to rediscover the intimacy. I was hoping someone had some recommendations along those lines. I know "give up" is an option, but to me it's a last resort, not a knee jerk response.
Maybe give up on trying to make you and your husband more sexually compatible and get your sexual needs met elsewhere

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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
If I ended my marriage I would also be ending my relationship with C, because he is flatly unwilling to take me away from my husband. I could have PIV sex with C once, tell my husband, divorce, and have neither of them. What would be the point?
What C needs to realise that at any time, you and your husband could become so incompatible that it is no longer worth the two of you being in a relationship. Are you telling us that C has emotionally blackmailed you into potentially staying in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship by saying that if you end it with your husband, you'll be ending it with him too? Or is he just trying to ensure that you know that he will never be that kind of primary style partner to you and he fears that you will want that so he has put a massive obstacle in the way?

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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
C has had, in all his past relationships, a sexual difficulty of his own. He can't orgasm during sex, or if he does it takes him ages and ages. Past partners have been frustrated with that. For him, our relationship has been the perfect antidote. He pleases me (I always have better orgasms with fingers anyway) and I don't pressure him to achieve his own orgasms. Or I just enhance the experience for him while he uses his own hand.
Just because you have PIV sex, none of this stuff has to change, he can still jerk to cum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
As much as it would feel nice to remove the taboo of PIV sex, and sort of "have" each other in that complete way, he has said on many occasions that his sex life has never been so exciting or satisfying with anyone else. We're not trying to make a baby. We really don't need those particular body parts to interact in that particular way in order to have a satisfying time together. It would be nice, the way winning a lottery would be nice.
No, winning the lottery is not comparable to being given the freedom to have an organic relationship with your romantic partner and doing the things you want to do with them. Sex, in your world, is a privilege that your husband offers you. You take what you are given and have to make do with that. That's not how it works for other people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I found an overwhelming array of books on Amazon about rekindling the desire in a low sex marriage. Has anyone read any of those, who could point me to a good choice? Or had some sage advice from a therapist or a friend, that might apply? I'm looking for help fixing the problem, not running away from it. Thanks.
Helping you, in my opinion, would involve getting you to acknowledge that you are sexually incompatible with your husband and getting him to acknowledge that what he is doing to you is unethical.

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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
This I agree with wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no idea why everybody is so utterly fixated on PIV sex. I like it, for sure. Like it loads. But, it's just one way of having sex. There are loads and loads of others and I don't agree at all with the idea that unless you are having PIV sex, it isn't proper sex.

I would guess that the reason everybody is so fixed on it in an unquestioning manner is similar to the reason that most people practice monogamy without having any idea why - it's just what you do.

We all grow up with this massive pressure around the first time we have PIV sex and then I think internalise it all so that afterwards no sex feels 'proper' unless it is done that way.

I feel that it's worthwhile questioning these ideas with a critical mind and seeing just how true they are. For me, I'm not religious and I'm not trying to get pregnant so PIV sex isn't a massive deal for me - and hasn't been for years.

There are loads of reasons why PIV sex might be off the table - wish to avoid pregnancy 100%, an STI, ED, religious beliefs, an agreement with another partner. I don't see why it should cause a major problem or be a particular focus.

IP
The big difference is that PIV sex is forbidden by her husband and the OP has highlighted this as an issue. Lots of people can have PIV sex and choose not to, and that's their choice, it's not someone else choosing for them based on their insecurities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I often feel that when I come on these boards and state a problem I'm having in a relationship, people are quick to jump in and tell me the relationship is not worth keeping. I could have prefaced my question with a history of everything that is right in my marriage, but again, I wasn't asking anyone to judge the merits of staying or leaving. I just want help with my sex life.
The only reason why I mentioned divorce is because you suggested that sexual incompatibility is a shallow reason to split up. I said it wasn't. However, being poly, you don't need to split up, you just need to accept that you both need to find people who you are more sexually compatible with as well as what you have together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
He has said himself that he doesn't feel like having sex if I'm about to go be with C, or have recently come back from seeing C, or am planning a trip with C.
So he has an issue with you being poly and this is the main reason he tries to control how poly you can be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I think what people are mostly uncomfortable with is the idea that a third party can have control over what goes on in a relationship. That my husband would be able to limit what I do with C. However, we all follow all sorts of written and unwritten rules all the time in order to function as a society, a family, a couple. Putting the toilet seat down. Not farting at the dinner table. No having sex in public parks on glorious sunny afternoons. So this limit on my relationship with C isn't a giant deal for me, just something I am able to do in order to avoid pushing my husband beyond what he is able to tolerate.
Again, you are making connections where there are none. Having manners isn't a third party controlling your relationships. They aren't comparable. And I disagree, it is a big deal for you, look:
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I have some resentment around not being "allowed" to have PIV sex with C
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I agree that it is a dumb rule
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it's hard not to resent that I can only have PIV sex in the more difficult relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I see your point but I think it's going to vary from person to person whether this rule is a big deal or not. Most of us are fine with rules (often unspoken) like "Don't text while I'm having sex with you," or "Don't have unprotected sex with others" because we find these things to be reasonable. Whereas rules like "Tell me everything you do with your other partner" or "Call me every 15 minutes when you are out" would be pretty unreasonable and therefore intolerable to most. In my case, the PIV sex rule is tolerable. I'm a fingers girl. For others on this forum it's a "dumb" rule and a deal breaker. For a large part of society it's a complete given in a marriage. It's a matter of perspective, don't you think? We can't just say that all rules of behavior need to be scrapped. We act with others' interests in mind as well as our own.
Thinking of others goes both ways though. Is your husband considering that he does not meet your sexual needs when he forbids you from getting them met elsewhere? He is actually lucky that you are poly, if you weren't, you'd probably be tempted to leave him or cheat right now. The reason why people are expected not to sex mid shag is because that time is meant to be exclusive to those people having sex. The reason there are agreements about using protection with other people is because I could potentially infect my fluid bonded partner with an STD, that would mean something from one of my relationships is negatively affecting another. That is why it is a no no. I wouldn't make agreements in regards to fluid bonding that were designed specifically to privilege one relationship. Your husband cannot be the stud you want him to be, even when he tries you feel that it is "acting", so your only options now are to either put up with this and stop complaining about it, or, try to get him to understand how sexually frustrated you are, explain that he cannot meet those needs and that you need to have the freedom to do what you need to do in your outside relationships. If he refuses to allow you to do that, you will be sexually unfulfilled. He probably won't care though, by the sounds of it.
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