AnotherConfused, it sounds to me like you just have a compatibility issue in the bedroom. I have a similar dynamic with my husband and boyfriend. Husband is more passive, and so am I. We have had years worth of what I call "Lazy sex". No one wants to get on top, we touch the important parts and get each other off, etc. I found that the worst years were the 18 or so months after having a child, and may be partly related to hormonal changes in my body as well as changes in our family overall. Lately we have been able to make things much better, we have much more fulfilling sexual encounters, and we are both making the effort to do so. I also believe that me being able to express my poly side by having another relationship helps me quite a bit.
With my BF, however, there is no trying involved. It is clear to me that he and I are much more sexually compatible. I think this is partly because he is more sexually experienced than my husband is, and, well, practice makes perfect, right? So, he has learned more about techniques and desires, but he and I also have a very "switchy" dynamic that I have never really experienced with anyone else. We go from him being more dominant to me being dominant, then back again, and this can happen very quickly. It's like a dance, really. We are also not having PIV sex, but I can relate to your experience of knowing that can be just fine.
I wonder if learning something like tantra or trying some actual techniques would be helpful for you? It would give you both something to focus on, a specific thing to try. Your husband may simply not really know what else to do?? Or take a workshop of some kind? Maybe you can just realize that your husband will give you quiet lovemaking sexual experiences, and C will give you something different?
Just my two cents...