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Old 07-09-2013, 06:06 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is hard to feel sexually intimate with someone if you have blockages in other areas of intimacy. You list resentment -- that makes it hard to be close emotionally. You list there being an emotional problem to resolve first. So... resolve it. Maybe start with doing page 5 & 6 things -- reassure him on his jealousy to improve the emotional health of the marriage.

And in the mean time go easy on the sex side of the marriage. Don't give it up if you still both want to be sexual together. But be kinder to each other about it. I get that you want Mr Passion Animal from your husband. But if that's not possible for him to execute at this time? Or ever?
  • You could keep the want and the resulting frustration that he isn't giving you that.
  • Or you could let go of the want and be ok with what he CAN give you at this time.

You don't want to break up or end your sex life. Could be flexible then. Could put up with clumsy initiating for a while. See if over time practice makes better. And consider changing tactics.

I'm not saying to fake orgasm when he does whatever (because who wants MORE of what is not cool?) But could you find things TO praise that you do enjoy?

Could you focus on what you want MORE of? (Ex: I like it when you stroke my more!) Rather than focus on the leg squeezing you don't want? (ex: stop squeezing my legs!) Maybe he responds better to positive reinforcement rather than negative?

It's easy enough to say nothing about legs and take his hands and redirect them toward your hair while telling him how you love his hands on you and you love it it when he strokes your hair. REDIRECT without pointing out the leg thing. Esp since he's skittish about rejection.

I know that you want to be tended to without having to verbally explain what turns you on every step of the way. But if he's out of touch with what turns you on you have to spend some time teaching and let go of wanting him to mind reader you like C seems to be able to do. Some people have a talent for the non verbal and paraverbal parts of communication and some people do not. Your DH may not have those kinds of communication skills to "just know" what it is you want like C does.

And remember that part of this

is for YOU to stop this thought pattern

He can't BE C. He is him.

Could stop wishing/ expecting him to be like C and accept he isn't.

Could stop focusing on what you don't have. Could focus on what you DO have.

Could stop focusing on what you don't want. Could focus on what you DO want.

Meet him halfway. Hopefully he meets you back.

Thank you so much. This rings true. I hear myself saying critical things and I hate what's coming out of me. I told him at one point some parts of my body that like touch, and that worked, but he seems to have forgotten already. I'll keep telling him.

Thanks for the link too. I don't know that jealousy is quite the problem. He's not usually a jealous person. I think he just has these deeply ingrained ideas of what is right and wrong (Catholic school) and he's not willing to have a wife that does "wrong". And I feel this, so I know another block I have is that I am afraid to let my sexual self loose around him, knowing that he doesn't approve of most of my fantasies and my whole other relationship. He has said himself that he doesn't feel like having sex if I'm about to go be with C, or have recently come back from seeing C, or am planning a trip with C.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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