Originally Posted by Marcus
This rule never works and you guys should scrap it immediately; it just builds resentment. Your relationship is the perfect example of why NOT to have this dumb rule.
I agree that it is a dumb rule, but at the same time, it is a reality that my husband will not consider staying married to me if I cross that line. I think that in his mind, my second relationship is "cheating" on the vows we made when we married. (We didn't have that whole bit about forsaking others, but he comes from India and even in this culture, there is still implied sexual monogamy when you marry.) He wants me to be happy and he knows I need this relationship, so I think he's justifying the "cheating" as not real
cheating as long as there isn't real
sex involved. I just don't think he could mentally come to terms with being married to a woman who has sex with someone else. He never has; I was his first kiss. So yeah, I could say, "I don't like this rule and I'm not going to abide by it," but that would be the same as saying, "I care more about what I do with C's penis than keeping our marriage intact." And I don't. Neither does C, who maintains that his relationship with me depends upon the stability of my marriage; he doesn't want to be a family wrecker.
And as simple as it would be to say, "Hey, we're not sexually compatible, so let's not have a sexual relationship any more," what does that really mean? Divorcing, battling for custody of our sweet daughters? Over sex?! Or staying married and celibate? Outside of the bedroom I'm perfectly happy to have a sweet, gentle, kind husband. I chose him for a reason. I love him.
I just think there must be some way to make it possible for us to have sex, even if it's not fireworks and not frequent. Our marriage always feels better when that's working. I just need some help finding our way back to that.