Well, FJ and I hashed it out, and I felt better leaving the next morning. I know shit happens, and we're all still figuring this out. But GODDAMN...I felt like I was pretty damn clear about my needs. I know I'm responsible for my own happiness.
So since then I've been really up and down. Time with MD was erratic, and always involved the kids. Meanwhile, she's been chilling a lot with a friend of hers that lives close by to her new house. A friend that she hasn't hung out with since I've been hanging out with her.....but is over there now 2-4 times per week. And the thing is they drink and laugh and have a grand ole time. I'm envious...because I haven't had that in a while with her. It's been all moving and business with me...very little fun. The one chance I've had for fun with her was on the 4th of July....and Bug was there and AWAKE until 3am. That little girl is awesome...but she lives on a bartender's schedule, and it really sucks sometimes.
We finally kissed for the first time in a month that night. And after Bug went to sleep, we were intimate for the first time since May. Yeah...it's been awhile. And we were both tired and buzzed...so it was great, but short lived. Afterwards, I texted her the next day telling her it was so great to be with her last night and that I loved her. Nothing. No response....nothing. Who does that?? I tried to assume she didn't get the message, but it's hard for me to believe since she got every other one that day. Made me feel kinda shitty.
The good thing about that night was that the day before I was short and pissy in my texts and she could tell. I was tired of feeling more invested in this relationship than she was, and tired of trying to figure out what the hell was going on. We didn't get to finish our convo, and the next morning I realized it was not going to go anywhere, I was overreacting based on my insecurities, and told her to just ignore it. And I really was fine, totally happy and refocused on living in the moment. That night, we did fireworks with the kids and when it was time to go, she asked if I would stay. FJ took the kids home, and she started talking about the night before. She was making an effort to really let me know she cared, and wasn't trying to brush me off. I told her that I was trying really hard to be patient, to go against my communication style to give her the space she needs. But that sometimes I need to see that kind of effort from her....for her to meet me where I'm at too. It was a good, positive convo that really suprised the hell out of me. It is not like her at all to bring it up, so it meant a lot to me that she thinks I'm important enough to bring up the hard shit. She also asked me if I was jealous the night FJ was over, and I told her that I was...but not of FJ's time. I was jealous of HER time. That I really needed that time with her. She agreed, and we had a good night laughing, and then ended in bed together.
But like I said, Bug was there. It was just not the emotional connection I am craving with her....that space carved out just for us. :/ And since she didn't say anything about it again...I am left insecure about whether she just wanted to appease me. Didn't feel like that at the time....but I question it. Ugh.
So since then, I've watched Bug twice, but not hung out with MD outside of a little lingering after she comes home from work before I've left. FJ and I also haven't really connected solo. Lots of kids and house stuff...oh and our dog had puppies! We've been busy. But guess what? FJ & MD have another date tonight. FJ and I haven't been on a date since we got away for the weekend mid June, although we are going to a concert overnight this weekend. So he & I get once a month....he and MD are on an every-other-week schedule apparently and I get to see her alone without kids.....when exactly?? I don't even remember the last time that happened for her and I.....end of April?? Gah...it's hard to work on my insecurities when they are rooted in the fear of losing her attention...and that's exactly what seems to be happening. In the last month I've helped her move, pack...unpack....clean, driven her to dr's appointments, sent her cards in the mail, watched Bug for her for free......and I've gotten nothing from that. Hardly even any affection. Lots of thank you's, you're the best, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong. I don't do it all to get in her pants. I do it because it's at the core of who I am. I help people I love. But it would be nice to feel loved back. Feeling a little used and trampled on.
And as much as I agree that we need separate dyads happening here....we are all still interconnected. And I feel like I can't talk to either of them about shit, because they both tend to clam up and shut everything down when I do that. And that's the opposite of what I want. So instead I'm here rambling....saying shit out of order, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself tonight.
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous