I am not entirely sure if there was another way to handle things, but I have cut ties with my ex. This situation was unhealthy for all involved for numerous reasons. Clearly, my judgement is questionable, and I will never learn if I have a enabler of sorts in my life. She knew about the family day because I told her. In a scenario like that, I probably would want someone to tell me, "No, I can see you later. Go be with your family." I do not blame her for that. I should have known better. At church #1 on Sunday, it was said, "When you know better, you should do better." I knew better, and I still did not do it. In figuring out if it was worth it, I have to say no because I just caused a shit load of problems in my marriage in a moment of weakness. I missed out on priceless moments with my children. Did they take pictures? Yes, but it was not the same as seeing it live and in colour.
Did I need a break from my family? Actually, no. The ratio was 4:2. There were a few times throughout the week where Matt was like, "Go do something for yourself. I am taking them to lunch and to an art class, music playgroup, or to get hot chocolate." I had several breaks, so I was not burned out from being around him or our children. I was not even burned out from being around my MIL. I spent one full day with her. The other days we did certain things throughout the week like afternoon tea or lunch.
I know my DH's triggers, and yet, I keep pushing them. I know what he has been through, and my level of empathy has been questioned by our therapist. She thinks that I am not fully grasping the magnitude of what I did. She wants me to own up to it and take responsibility. I am being held accountable. I know what I/we did and how much of a role we played in things being the way they are now. I was in denial. "Oh, it was not that bad." Oh, it will get better in due time." It was that bad, and it was not just going to get better in time.
I am sorry about how things have worked out. All I can do is apologise to her. When this recovery journey began, I had faith that it would one day work out. I also had faith that we would be able to get back together. I know otherwise, and I hope she does not believe that I lead her on with no intentions of following through. It hurt me to break her heart again. I really have no idea what else to say.