Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 07-08-2013, 05:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Wealth or poverty doesn't define emotions or ethics or the ability to suffer. However, I do think the OP wants to have her cake and eat it too, but that's most people. Just makes her a bit immature. Again, like most people. In this case after following this thread for a while, the patterns are clear and the reasons for all the repeated issues are as well. There's very little left to contemplate, except for re-looping the same comments and issues over and over. The OP gets the logic, but lacks conviction in what she wants to do. No mystery about why.
I have to disagree with that. I cannot have the cake and eat it, too. I actually do not want to. IMC, it is either or. Matt or Si. I have been in this belief bubble of thinking that there was some way it would work out. Listening to people and their BS about giving it time. It has been weeks shy of five months, so holding on to that notion is a set-up for failure. I do not trust my judgement. I do not trust myself to balance a relationship. I do not trust myself to be able to handle two lives. I do not want to either.

The bubble has been popped, and I have accepted that a healthy dynamic is not possible. I cannot keep putting my marriage through this. At some point, you just have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" My answer now is a resounding hell no. What am I fighting for again? I am exhausted, and I know that I need to back away for good. Functional poly is not in my cards. I am dealing with it and leaving it at that. I can be anything I want to be, but practising it again is not going to happen. I have made it clear that I am not leaving my marriage for something I have even described as something that is not a need. It is a choice. I guess I have made my choice.
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