Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter
One thing that I don't think Matt understands in all of this is you can't just tell someone to stop loving someone else. Ry and Si's feelings for each other are real. They're not just going to magically go away because Matt doesn't want to share his wife any more.
Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she needed a break from spending time with her husband; needed a bit of girl time away from him and his family? To suddenly go from living near her family to living thousands of miles away near his family is a huge change. I bet Matt would be happy if she didn't make any friends and spent her while life focused solely on him and the children, but that wouldn't be fair to Ry. She's worlds away from home, ofcourse she reached out to a friendly face. Yeah, she fell back into old habits, but I really don't believe that it's ever possible to put the poly genie back in the bottle. Once you've known multiple love, you can never go back to being mono, thinking mono, etc and for Ry, who has never been mono before, it has to be doubly hard to try to adjust. It's like asking a mono person to be poly. I really hope that you find a balance that works for everyone.
He does not care if I have friends or go out. It is only my ex. Her presence on his radar is a trigger. Think of when someone is in the hospital. You know how when someone is in distress, and they are being monitored? Think of how their heart rate escalates when someone walks in the room and causes it to spike. Perhaps it was someone who abused them or that person stirred up negative memories. That is how it is with him. When there is no mention of her and she has zero presence in his world, he is at a resting rate. The second something happens that involves her, it is another story. When she is mentioned in counselling, his body language tells it all. It is something about her, and our therapist is trying to find out what it is. However, he is like a person of interest who has lawyered up and decided not to say a word.
Let me tell you how I know it is just an issue with my ex. I went to the Pink concert last night with some of my new colleagues and a couple of new acquaintances. After, we had drinks and just socialised. He encouraged me to live a little and go out because I was with our children all day. The only thing he texted and asked was when I would be home? He only wanted to know so he could set the alarm accordingly. He was still awake when I got in. He asked about my night and if I had enjoyed myself? That was the extent of it. Now, if I had went out with Si, it would not have happened like that.
Transitioning to living mono was an adjustment. I am enjoying not living by a schedule/calendar. I am enjoying the spontaneity that I was missing. I am enjoying certain aspects. I am happy, and all of my needs are being met and surpassed. It is different to sleep in our bed every night. It is different to have more available time for my children and DH. Everything I did with my children yesterday would ordinarily have never happened. I would not have had the time. It is different to not always be in motion and wondering about who needs what or wants what. The time spent I once spent with her is now spent with my family or much needed alone time. I enjoy just reading a book and having tea. I enjoy going antique shopping and pampering myself. I am enjoying having time for myself and not squeezing it in between nursing, ballet recitals, date nights, work, family commitments, and the laundry list of responsibilities I had. It is different but a welcome change.