Thread: Hello :)
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Old 07-08-2013, 04:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
So are you saying we shouldn't even bother taking the risk??
No. I guess that what most of us here would tell you is to date separately from the start - don't expect, demand, or seek out only a triad. By doing that, basically what you are saying is that the relationship configuration is more important than the person! "We have this puzzle we want you to fit into." But what if you meet someone wonderful, who is entirely different from the idea/ideal you have in your head?

It is much more likely to work out if a triad develops naturally and gradually out of a partnership that starts between someone and just one or the other of you. Be open to all possibilities - you could miss out on someone really spectacular who is totally right for you, or for him, but not the other, if you only insist that person has to be and fall in love with both of you. What happens if you meet a man who totally intrigues you and to whom you're very attracted and you find you hit it off and would be very compatible? What happens if your husband goes ga-ga for a straight woman? Are you both going to say, "Oh, no, that will not do at all. The universe didn't really mean to send that person my way. It goes against all our plans! Nope, can't do it. Hot bi babe for the both of us only please. Next!"

It is just assuming and expecting too much to say WE want to date someone together who will be a gf for both of us at the same time. That's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone who is just expressing interest - in poly, you still go through stages of getting to know someone as you date, you can't expect a person to be in relationship with both of you simultaneously and instantaneously!


Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I would like to think that in the event that happened I would accept that and let my husband and her have their own relationship. I want to say that I don't want to have veto power, and I don't want my husband to have that either. But I can't say because we have never been in a situation like that.
You would "let" your husband? Be very careful with this mode of thinking. Is he your child or employee? Does he really need your permission to live his life and develop relationships with people?

Instead of letting him, you accept that he has another relationship, let him know that you are okay with it (consent), and agree with him that your marriage is strong enough that you can support each other having multiple relationships. You voice your opinion if you're not happy with something, but he makes his own choices. And so do you.

There is a distinction between the two -- it's either ownership, control, and codependency, OR partnership, trust, and autonomy.

Just imagine being someone who falls in love with only one person in a couple and then has that relationship ripped away from them, only because the person's spouse is insecure. Imagine your husband deeply in pain over the loss of someone he has grown to care about and love, just because you're not sure it's okay for him to have someone without you being involved.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-08-2013 at 04:20 AM.
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