Our therapist posed something upon me that I wanted to expand on in a separate post. It made me think. Actually, I am still thinking. She asked me, "Is it possible that you love your husband more than her? Everything you both have described seems like you were trying to compensate for something that was missing in your relationship with her." She did not want me to answer it out loud, but she did interject a different perspective that was needed.
For the record, I have never believed in quantifying love, but I have also never believed that you can love two entirely different people "equally." Love is supposed to be love, but do I feel more connected to him? Yes. Do I feel a stronger bond with him? Yes. Which relationship did I choose to fight for? The marriage with him. I love them differently, but is it possible that I love my DH more than I love her? The thought has crossed my mind, but I dispelled that notion because it was just ludicrous. Love is love...right?
The way she broke it down was: Matt and I are married. My ex and I will never be able to do that--unless I divorce him and marry her. I am not doing that. She does not believe in marriage any way. Matt and I have children. Biologically, the two of us cannot procreate. Her opinion is that my subconscious reaction to that reality was to grant her parental rights, a deciding vote/veto power (no pitting one parent against the other with a neutral party involved), and the available time had to split amongst three parents. Matt and I shared a residence. I was not willing to live with him half of the time and her half of the time. I wanted to give my children stability in one place, and Matt would have fought to the death if I dared to treat him like a part-time parent. We once tried cohabitation, but once we all realised that it would not work, it was time for something else. Plan B. Si started spending more time at our home via occasional overnight visits, dinner, and so on. She asked me if I ever considered that my DH had burned out from her? He was seeing her at work, and then, he would get off and see her that night and sometimes the following morning. (At some points, it was most of the week.) She also asked me, "At what point did you and your husband have time for your marriage if she was around and presumably needing or wanting your time? I understand that you were trying to spend an equal amount of time with them to level it out. It may have worked for you and her, but where did that leave him? Vying for your attention. He is still having to do now. You have to change." Her opinion is that I was trying to compensate for probably not loving her as much as him and for not being able to do all of the things I could do with him--with her. Our therapist's strong is opinion is that all of my past, present, and possibly future actions were and will be to balance things out and make them even, which was and will continue to be impossible because there is a veto from a key party; my DH.
Off the record, she gave it to me. If I do not change, he is going to leave me because no one always wants to be in a competition. She asked me if I ever wondered why the past several weeks have been blissful? I said, "She has not been a vital part of our lives, and our only focus was on healing our marriage and family." She also that if she were me, she would cut off all contact with Si because when I am with her, I forget all the progress that has been made and revert back to the strongholds of my old habits because they are comfortable. She described her as the forbidden apple in the Garden of Eden. "The look of the forbidden fruit may lure you in with temptation, but it will kill your marriage."
Matt and I talked a couple of hours ago. He was still pissed--with reason. He said, "You are doing the same things again. Choosing her over our children and our family. What was your excuse for not seeing us the whole day?" I said, "I do not have one." He laughed and said, "You just do not get it. I wish I would not have talked to her in May. Maybe she would still be in London and not here. We have not been here a week, and I wish she would go back." We agreed to take a breather and reconvene with cooler heads.
I am going to take her off the record advice and cut off all [physical] contact with my ex. I may continue to talk to her via e-mail and text, but by removing the physical/face-to-face aspect, it removes the pressure that Matt feels to be accommodating and accepting of something that continues to be a trigger for him. It eliminates the competitive aspect. Every setback we have experienced has involved her, and I was in denial. By limiting contact, I have to break free from what is comfortable and familiar like those strongholds. I have to step in to uncharted territory. As long as she is around as a potential love interest, no good will come from it. At this point, I believe this is for the best. I am open to suggestions, though.
I am off to bed. I am spending the whole week with my little duckies. Matt is going back to work tomorrow. We will be at everything from Disney on Ice to carnivals to museums to going to the park. I need to be well-rested because my children are going to keep me on my feet.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.