Magdlyn it was both. We really did have at least what I considered and many of our friends and family considered a perfect relationship in the loving way. I don't think its an either or proposition. She was at home alone a lot with the kids while I worked but we also routinely (weekly) got a babysitter and went on dates. Day trips and overnights when my patents would come up to care for the boys, maybe once every two months.
There is no doubt the kids can be overwhelming. I pushed for her to get a job to get out during the day. But she refused she wanted to be a stay at home mom like all her friends. I make a good living for our family so we even had a house cleaner occasionally and my wife had the ability to get together with her other mom friends and go places with the kids with no worries about money due to gas or entrance fees to zoos or whatnot. I'm telling you her life was about as good as anyone could hope for as a stay at home mom. I know husbands that worked worse hours for far less pay, spouses with terrible communication skills and sex lives compared to ours and none of them had an affair with a cousin (as far as I know). I ventured into poly knowing that a good solid marriage would be necessary to deal with the insecurities. I always do my homework thoroughly before venturing into something new.
Could I have been more romantic or attentive? Probably...we had been married for 17yrs, we have two kids, you guys know how stagnant relationships can get. We are both college educated with advanced degrees not low income uneducated jerry springer types, although I now feel like I belong on that show. I never in a million years would have guessed that our relationship could become this disfunctional or that she would dream of cheating on me. I'm at a loss for how it happened. Her fucking him while drunk I understand. Her continuing the affair for months after and lying to me and making me feel stupid and paranoid until I had to give her an ultimatum to come clean...I just can't comprehend how she could be that way.
I don't expect you guys to solve my problems. I'm just curious how each of you view it and what your opinions are. Nothing has been said thus far that surprises me or that I haven't thought of myself except for the accusations on how cruel or unforgiving I am. You guys have opened my eyes to the fact that perhaps I have not forgiven her as much as I thought. I think I know in my heart I will never fully forgive her. There will always be pain associated with these memories and every time I have to see, hear about, or think about my cousin. That's the take away from this...never lend money to family, never do business with family, and never fuck family. You can't escape family should you need to.