Hi. I have been lurking on this forum for a month or two and decided to finally introduce myself.
I am a single/unmarried 40 year old woman, fairly new to poly, in an N-shaped configuration (not sure how else to explain it). My partner (DJ) is a hinge to a V and is married to another hinge, but there is no crossover between the legs of the Vs, except a growing friendship. If anyone has an easier way to explain that, Iíd love a suggestion.
I was married for 6 years in a mono relationship that was not happy or fulfilling. I realize that this is due to where I was when I chose the person and who we were as a couple. It has been nearly 7 years since my divorce. In those years, Iíve done a great deal of growing and learning about who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and what Iím hoping to find in a relationship.
About 4 years ago, I met a man who introduced me to poly. At the time I was a grad student and had very little extra time to open my mind to the idea and consequently put it on the back burner. A year ago, after graduation and following the break up of a dating relationship, I began to explore and learn about ethical non-monogamy/polyamorous relationships. At first, as a single woman interested in dating more than one person, the concept was rather simple. To the outside world, I was just enjoying the benefits of being unattached, but what was more central to my journey was the fact that most of the men I was meeting that were poly, also had what I would call a ďhigh emotional IQĒ. I was attracted to the fact that many of the men I met were not afraid to express their thoughts and work on their relationships. I was intrigued. Further, I found that the challenge of dealing with my own insecurities and fears was in line with what I was already personally working on. A poly relationship felt like the most authentic relationship I could imagine.
Being an unmarried woman (bi-curious) with no children but interested in poly has often put me into the elusive ďunicornĒ status that has been a challenge to address. At one point, I was heavily recruited to be the 4th person in a ready-made quad. I was even offered a place to live, assistance with job search, a car, and a new family. Unfortunately (fortunately?), it was not a good fit for me and, after a whirlwind two months, I declined the offer.
Three months ago I met DJ. I was at a point of dating-exhaustion and almost cancelled on him. I was so not interested in yet another date that will just be a ďlearning experience.Ē I was ready to take a break. Surprisingly, DJ and I fit together really well. It is that effortless but stretching kind of connection. Looking back it feels like weíve known each other for much longer than 3 months, but weíre well aware that everything is still quite new and shiny for us.
DJ has been married to M for 21 years, and decided to open their relationship about a year ago, at the request of M, who had an interest in developing a connection with T. After a couple months of discussing and negotiating, it was decided that DJ and M would give it a try. So far, things are going well. T lives about 3 hours away and due to Mís job, she can spend half the week with T and half the week with DJ. Of course there are challenges and complications, but for the most part they are happy with how their relationships have transitioned.
As mentioned before, I entered the picture about 3 months ago. I have had an opportunity to meet and begin to develop a friendship with M. I have more of an acquaintance-type relationship with T, but it is certainly friendly and relaxed. DJ and M have 4 teenagers and Iíve begun to spend time around them and it feels relatively comfortable, considering the inherent awkwardness of it all.
Wow, thatís a longer story than I had anticipated telling. Iíve been slow to post here on the forum because I fear asking something stupid or just saying something naÔve. But, Iím here to learn and Iíve appreciated reading the posts of others and feeling a sense of connectedness through an online format. Being new to poly and new to this N-shaped configuration, there are times when I just feel a bit lost and in need of feedback. I hope in the future Iíll be a bit more brave to post my questions and benefit from the responses.
Thanks to anyone who got to the end of this introduction.